Parisienne Petrol Problem

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his vehicle ran out of petrol. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings."

"I had no Monet

to buy Degas

to make the Van Gogh."

See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else - you've nothing Toulouse.

Conceited Google

Curmudgeonly Quotes

1. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot; Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
12. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
13. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
14. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
15. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
16. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
17. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
18. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
19. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
20. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken .
21. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
22. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
23. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Ironic Chef

Source: Newstopia via YouTube

German, French & Israeli Cuisine

A German, French, and Israeli were exploring a tropical island when they run into a tribe of cannibals. They're captured, and the Chief tells them, "I've been to a good Russian university, so I understand the concept of civilisation. I'm therefore going to give you all one wish before we cook you and eat you." He points at the French man and says, "You first!"

The French man thinks for a minute and asks for three beautiful tribes women who he has his way with. His libido satiated, he is killed, cooked and eaten. The German is next, and he asks for a large meal of delectable meats, vegetables, fruits, and an alcoholic beverage made from coconut, he's so drunk by the time they kill him and eat him, he doesn't even notice. The Chief then asks the Israeli what he would like as his last wish, and the Israeli says, "Just punch me in the face, right on the nose!"

The Chief is perplexed by this request but punches the Israeli right on the nose as hard as he can, at which point the Israeli pulls out a Galil assault rifle and shoots all the cannibals. As the Chief is lying there, mortally wounded, with his last breath, he asks the Isreali, "Why didn't you use the gun before we ate the French or German men?" The Israeli proudly replies, "Israelis are not aggressors."

Political Correctness: Male

Politically correct terminology for men:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a...
   "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY"
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is...
   "OVERLY CAUCASIAN"
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He...
   "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS"
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in...
   "FOLLICLE REGRESSION"
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers...
   "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS"
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes...
   "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL"
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of...
   "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION"
8. He is not a 'MALE CHAUVINIST PIG' - He has...
   "SWINE EMPATHY"
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is...
   "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED"
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is...
    "SEXUALLY FOCUSED"
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's...
    "REAR CLEAVAGE"

And politically correct terminology for females...

Political Correctness: Female

Politically correct terminology for women:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a...
   "BREASTED AMERICAN"
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is...
   "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE"
3. She is not "EASY" - She is...
   "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE"
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a...
   "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY"
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a...
   "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION"
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is...
   "REALITY IMPAIRED"
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets...
   "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is...
   "MEDICALLY ENHANCED"
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes...
   "VERBALLY REPETITIVE"
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is...
    "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED"
11. She does not have "MAJOR-LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is...
    "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR"
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a...
    "LOW-COST PROVIDER"

And politically correct terminology for males...

Toilet Humour

Dr. Phil on Inner Peace

By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Pringles, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how good I feel right now.

Never too old

An elderly man enters a confessional and the following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody!"