Laplanders

Part 1:



Part 2:

Sesame Streets

Twins?

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Woolies with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Woolworths, nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's nine and the younger one, she's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike, ya dickhead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would root you twice!"

Motodisco

Nudist Colony

An old man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £250 membership fee."

"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month and I fart 15 times a day."

Parallel Parking

Workplace Quiz: Do you recognise these Ashes stars at your office?

Flintoff (Warehouse Stock Coordinator): If he ever has a day off sick, the place will fall apart. Or to use a cricket analogy: if he doesn’t take all the wickets and score all the runs, it’s just not going to happen.

Harmison (Creative Director): Big reputation, big salary – has to be carried by rest of the team.

Watson (IT Manager): Offers key solutions to all problems but keeps crashing. Hamstrung by software problems.

Warnie (PR Director): Always on the phone, always spinning something, always out for long lunches. A genius. Regularly embarrasses himself at the office Christmas party.

Pietersen (New Business Manager): The young bull, poached from rival company, who can star on occasions but ego might be a problem.

McGrath (Production Line Manager): The 70-year-old manager who just can’t let go and you know what, is still better than the kids out of uni trying to take his job.

S. Clark (Assistant Workflow Manager): Not rated, hangs around in the warehouse, and you suddenly realise he’s been singlehandedly holding contracts together for the past 12 months.

Langer (Accounts): Accident-prone 67-year-old veteran with a head for figures. Refuses to retire. Somehow keeps up with changes to GST and other tax legislation. Likes martial arts.

Martyn (Retail Manager): The irritating but smooth bloke you’re always trying to get rid of but customers love him and he sells just enough to keep his place.

G. Jones (Office Assistant): The PA you feel a bit sorry for because he has no idea, but the boss likes him and will give him time to develop. Who knows? He may even make a competent middle manager one day.

Lee (Sales Executive): The face of the company with a big laugh, a flash car and charisma to burn. Does he ever sell anything? No idea.

Ponting (Managing Director): There were early question marks over his commitment and longevity in the company, but he’s matured and now is responsible for more than half the company’s turnover all by himself, while also managing the office.

Giles (Assistant Marketing Manager): Been at the company for years, nobody likes him, nobody rates what he does. Must have compromising photos of the boss to keep his job.

Vaughan (CEO): Allegedly in charge but hasn’t been seen around the office for months. His shadow remains.

Bell (Accounts Manager): The university graduate with the Rhodes Scholarship who has now been with the firm for more than a year, lords over the blue collar workers but is yet to actually deliver when it matters.

MacGill (Marketing Manager): Annoying worker who wants to be PR Director but can’t get a shot at the job. Request for office car and phone rejected. Attends Anger Management courses.

Panesar (Intern): Always smiling, keen, energetic, model employee. Strangely overlooked for promotion at every turn.

Hair (Company Secretary): Recently retrenched (suddenly). Last seen being led from the building by security.

New Australian Coat-of-Arms

Click to enlarge...

Wisecrack

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and smacked his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.

"Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.

"Write that down, Mary," said Joseph "It´s better than Derek."

It's fun to stay at the...

Big Red Dot

http://img252.echo.cx/img252/8159/006wo.swf/

You Have Been Warned

M-LAW'S: WACKY WARNING LABEL CONTESTS

In 1997, Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch (M-LAW) began a contest to expose how frivolous lawsuits, and a concern about potential frivolous lawsuits, have led to a new cultural phenomenon: the wacky warning label.

You have probably heard about the lawsuit over a spilled cup of coffee. However, there are many other silly lawsuits involving products that have received far less attention. For example, did you know a man received $50,000 when he sued a small company that makes basketball nets because he claimed the company was responsible when he caught his teeth in a net while dunking a ball? People who make products hear about these outrageous lawsuits, and they often decide to slap common sense warnings on their product... “just in case.”

Following is a list of some of the best labels from the first eight contests:

• The label on a bottle of drain cleaner warns: “If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions, cautions and warnings, do not use this product.”
• A label on a baby stroller warns: “Remove child before folding.”
• A brass fishing lure with a three-pronged hook on the end warns: “Harmful if swallowed.”
• A popular scooter for children warns: “This product moves when used.”
• A flushable toilet brush warns: “Do not use for personal hygiene.”
• A digital thermometer that can be used to take a person's temperature several different ways warns: “Once used rectally, the thermometer should not be used orally.”
• A household iron warns users: “Never iron clothes while they are being worn.”
• A warning on an electric drill made for carpenters cautions: “This product not intended for use as a dental drill.”
• A smoke detector warns: “Do not use the Silence Feature in emergency situations. It will not extinguish a fire.”
• A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard warns: “Do not drive with sunshield in place.”
• An “Aim-n-Flame” fireplace lighter cautions: “Do not use near fire, flame or sparks.”
• A cartridge for a laser printer warns: “Do not eat toner.”
• A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users: “May irritate eyes.”
• A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists says: “Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.”
• A popular manufactured fireplace log warns: “Caution - Risk of Fire.”

Right Angles

How Blonde Jokes Started

In the Event of an Emergency

One night, an aircraft was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, George W. Bush, the Dali Lama and a hippie. Suddenly, something exploded in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.

"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!"

With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash.

"Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!"

With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.

George W. Bush rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the President of the U.S. The world needs leaders, and I think leaders should have a parachute too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.

The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke.

"My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry. The supposed leader of the free world just jumped out wearing my backpack."

Pucker Up

Amish Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, especially two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24 year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son... "Go get your mother."

You Might be a Redneck if...

A little rain doesn't spoil the fishing...


You need fashion tips from your husband...


You wear a shirt like this for your engagement picture...


Your wedding picture looked like this...


And your wedding cake looked like this...


Your mailbox looks like this...


Your doghouse looks like this...


Your pickup looks like this...


You have a deer's butt for a door bell...


You don't need a lake to do a little skiing...


Or if your wife is quoted in the local paper saying...

Teacher Knows Best

Click image to enlarge...

Ring of Fire

Rugger Buggered

Press Release

International Rugby Board (IRB) Rugby World Cup 2007

Following complaints to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the ‘Haka’ before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own. The IRB Rugby World Cup 2007 Organizing Committee has now agreed to the following pre-match displays:

1. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how they invented the game and gave it to the world, but no one appreciates them.
2. The Scotland team will chant “You lookin’ at me Jimmy?” before each of them smash a bottle of beer over their opponents’ heads.
3. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.
4. Unfortunately the Committee was unable to accept the Welsh proposal to form a choir and sing Tom Jones’ “It’s Not Unusual”.
5. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own “Las In-Goals-Areas” and have to be forcibly removed by the match stewards.
6. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts. These two will then go about selecting the best parts of the pitch to settle on and claim that they have been there for centuries.
7. The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a blockbuster film called ‘Saving Flanker Ryan’.
8. Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the rest of the team to ransom.
9. The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the female officials and then prepare pasta dishes, which they will flog to the crowd for a fortune.
10. The Japanese will shock fans buy demonstrating how to capture a whale for scientific research buy harpooning an opposition prop.
11. The French won’t have a pre-match display and will simply hide in fear in the dressing room for the whole match.
12. The Australians will have a BBQ on their side of the field and invite the opposition over before the game. The food and alcohol will be in abundance and by the start of the game no-one will remember what they came to the stadium for. After some streaking, the singing of dirty songs and the occasional chunder everyone will go home thoroughly convinced it was a bloody good night.
13. The Moroccan team will quietly pray during the first half and then launch suicide attacks against the opposition after the break. Unfortunately, this strategy works well for the first game only, after which Morocco is forced to withdraw from the Rugby World Cup due to lack of players.
14. Samoa will prepare a huge feast in the middle of the pitch by digging a large hole and filling it with burning embers. They invite the opposition over by saying, “We’d like to have you for dinner”. It’s only when the opposition get to the pit that they realize there is no meat and that they are the dinner!
    

Hopefully, with these policies now in place, further problems is this area of the game should cease to exists.

Regards,
Syd Miller
IRB Chairman

THE INTERNATIONAL RUGBY BOARD
Huguenot House 35-38 St Stephen’s Green Dublin 2 Ireland
Tel: 00 353 1 240 9200 • FAX: 00 353 1 240 9201

Kiss KO

Family Planning Advice

Competing Car Advertisements

Hangover Cure

Old Flame

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "magic".

Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm a bit older and a bit greyer than when you last saw me!"

She just giggled and said she was sure I'd "rise" to the challenge.

"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that tubby grey men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

"Anyway," she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to fuck off and there was now way I was going to be seen with a fat chick.

Hit and Missus

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.

Canary Yellow

Jim strolls into the paint section of a hardware store and walks up to the assistant. "I'd like a pint of canary-colored paint," he says.

"Certainly," says the clerk. "Mind if I ask why you need it?"

"My parakeet," says Jim. "See, I want to enter him in a canary contest. He sings so sweetly that I know he's sure to win."

"Well, you can't do that!" the assistant says. "The chemicals in the paint will almost certainly kill the poor thing!"

"No, they won't," Jim replies.

"Listen, Buddy, I'll bet you ten bucks your parakeet dies if you try to paint him."

"You're on!" says Jim.

Two days later Jim comes back looking very sheepish and puts ten dollars on the counter in front of the clerk.

"So the paint killed your bird?"

"Indirectly," Jim says. "He seemed to handle the paint okay, but he didn't survive the sanding between coats."

Borat Movie - First four minutes

Stripper

Disko!

Telemarketer's Nightmare

Accepting Candy From a Stranger

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Sleeping with the Town Bike

Borat Movie Trailers (2)

#1

#2

Not As Thunk As you Drink I Am

Merry-Go-Round Mayhem

Record Store Cats

Bagpuss


House Cats


Funk cat


Chris, Jackie Wilson fan


Dance Cat


Chillout Cat


Hyper Huggles


Techno Tim


Wonder-loving Marvin


Daryll the hip-hop cat


Classical Cedric, interrupted


Heavy Metal Cats

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