Thursday, June 29, 2006
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Football Genius
"You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." Barry Hall Sydney Captain at training
Brock Maclean (Melbourne) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." Mick Malthouse - Collingwood
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Peter Bell - Fremantle - on his University Law studies
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." Kevin Sheedy on James Hird
Jonathan Brown, on night Grand Finals vs Day Games "It's basically the same, just darker."
Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, Barass, I don't know and I don't care.'
Barry Hall (Sydney) when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first."
"Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago." (Dermott Brereton)
"Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator." (Mark Williams)
"He scored that goal after only 22 seconds - totally against the run of play." (Dermott Brereton)
"We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then they scored." (Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles)
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Luke Darcy)
"That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical." (Dermott Brereton)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Shane Wakelin)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of them serious." (Adrian Anderson)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." (Andrew Demetriou)
"I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL but there are none better." (Dermott Brereton)
"I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat." (Terry Wallace)
Garry Lyon: "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?"
David Swartz: "On what?"
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw." (Dermott Brereton)
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." (Dermott Brereton)
Brock Maclean (Melbourne) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." Mick Malthouse - Collingwood
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Peter Bell - Fremantle - on his University Law studies
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." Kevin Sheedy on James Hird
Jonathan Brown, on night Grand Finals vs Day Games "It's basically the same, just darker."
Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, Barass, I don't know and I don't care.'
Barry Hall (Sydney) when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first."
"Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago." (Dermott Brereton)
"Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator." (Mark Williams)
"He scored that goal after only 22 seconds - totally against the run of play." (Dermott Brereton)
"We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then they scored." (Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles)
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Luke Darcy)
"That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical." (Dermott Brereton)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Shane Wakelin)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of them serious." (Adrian Anderson)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." (Andrew Demetriou)
"I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL but there are none better." (Dermott Brereton)
"I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat." (Terry Wallace)
Garry Lyon: "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?"
David Swartz: "On what?"
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw." (Dermott Brereton)
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." (Dermott Brereton)
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Hillbilly Holiday
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,
"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii.
I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,
and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."
"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii.
I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,
and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Friday, June 09, 2006
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Two dyslexic robbers walk into a bank shouting...
Air in the hands motherstickers, this is a fuckup!!
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Bovine Economic Models
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows. The Government takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows. The Government takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows. The Government takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows. The Government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reportedthe numbers.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.
You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows. The Government takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows. The Government takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows. The Government takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows. The Government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reportedthe numbers.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.
Generic Viagra
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Exercise Routine
If you're getting on a little you might want to take it easy at
first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too
strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
SCROLL DOWN...
NOW SCROLL UP...
That's enough for the first day.
Great job.
Have a beer.
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