One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "What?! What was that?"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "What?"
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to hold this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your
shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Thanks for the Chain Letters
My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year...
I must send my thanks to whomever sent me the one about rat pooh in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy petrol without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
Have a wonderful day!
By the way... an Argentinian scientist, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late...
I must send my thanks to whomever sent me the one about rat pooh in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy petrol without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
Have a wonderful day!
By the way... an Argentinian scientist, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late...
Riddle Me This?
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids.
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Damn!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Damn! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids.
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Damn!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Damn! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Woolmer Security Footage
PRESS RELEASE
KINGSTON, Jamaica - Jamaican police have launched a murder inquiry into the death of Pakistan cricket coach Bob Woolmer at the World Cup, saying he was strangled. In a shocking revelation this afternoon, a picture has been released of a man seen beating on Woolmer's door and shouting "Woolmer!"
(scoll down...)
KINGSTON, Jamaica - Jamaican police have launched a murder inquiry into the death of Pakistan cricket coach Bob Woolmer at the World Cup, saying he was strangled. In a shocking revelation this afternoon, a picture has been released of a man seen beating on Woolmer's door and shouting "Woolmer!"
(scoll down...)
Saturday, March 24, 2007
The Koala and the Little Lizard
A koala is sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past, looks up and says "Hey Koala! What are you doing?"
The koala says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is dry and he's going to get a drink from the river. However, the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A huge crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The huge crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says:
"F**k dude... how much water did you drink?!"
The koala says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is dry and he's going to get a drink from the river. However, the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A huge crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The huge crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says:
"F**k dude... how much water did you drink?!"
Lost in Translation
These are signs in Japanese Metro trains indicating priority seating for...
Click to Enlarge...
(left-to-right):
Click to Enlarge...
(left-to-right):
- person with injured arm
- person holding a child
- pregnant woman
- person with injured leg
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Brazil vs. Argentina
Prior to a soccer match between arch-rivals Argentina and Brazil, an Argentinean condom company posted the following advert to let Brazilians know what would presumably happen to them at the upcoming match:
Brazil won the match prompting the Brazilian football organization to respond with the following advert:
Found at http://blog.leetsoft.com/2007/2/24/brazil-vs-argentinia
Brazil won the match prompting the Brazilian football organization to respond with the following advert:
Found at http://blog.leetsoft.com/2007/2/24/brazil-vs-argentinia
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Friday, March 09, 2007
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Osama's mysterious message
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370H-SSV-0773H. Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleeza Rice. Condi and her aides hadn't a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to NASA.
Eventually they asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply: "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370H-SSV-0773H. Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleeza Rice. Condi and her aides hadn't a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to NASA.
Eventually they asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply: "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
Monday, March 05, 2007
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