Politically Correct Seasons Greetings

Please accept with no obligation implied or implicit, my best wishes
for an environmentally-conscious, socially-responsible, low-stress,
non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the summer solstice
holiday, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the
religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice, with
respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of
others, or their choice not to practise religious or secular
traditions at all.
I also wish you a fiscally-successful, personally-fulfilling and medically-uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2010, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make this country great. Not to imply that Australia is necessarily greater than any other country or culture, and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wisher.

By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms.

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself, himself or others, and it is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Begging for Tiger

Globalization Defined

Question:
Define Globalization?

Answer:
Princess Diana's death.

Why?
An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, riding in a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

Furthermore, this is sent to you by an Australia, using an American PC, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singaporean factory.

Speeding Heisenberg

Heisenberg gets stopped on the freeway by the police.

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going sir?

Heisenberg: No, but I know exactly where I am.

Mental Hospital Phone Menu

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, hang up. It doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. But Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up.

Blonde Password

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy"

When asked why she'd chosen such a long password, she said she understood that it had to contain at least eight characters.