Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Driving in Style

During a golf tour in Tasmania, Greg "The Shark" Norman drives his brand new Holden Statesman into a petrol station in a remote part of the Tamar Valley.

The station attendant, obviously knowing nothing about golf, greets him in typical Tassie fashion, completely unaware of who the golfing-pro is.

"How's she motoring, mate?" asks the attendant.

The Shark nods a quick "Hello" and bends forward to grab the petrol nozzle. As he does so, two golf tees fall from his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those for, mate?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies The Shark.

"Well, what the hell are they for?" inquires the attendant.

"They're for resting my balls on when I drive", says Greg.

"Jesus Christ!" exclaims the Taswegian, "Holden thinks of everything!"

Monday, April 27, 2009

Test Your Best Friend

Test of friendship:

Lock your dog and your spouse in the boot of your car for an hour. When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?

Friday, April 24, 2009

Fencepost Tortoise

While stitching up the hand of a 75 year old Albany farmer, who had cut it on a gate while working sheep, the rural doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic of conversation got around to Kevin Rudd and his appointment as Prime Minister.

"Well, you know," drawled the old farmer, "this Rudd fellow is what they call a fencepost tortoise."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost tortoise was.

The old farmer said, "When you're driving along a country road and you come across a fencepost with a tortoise balanced on it, that's called a fencepost tortoise."

The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just have to wonder what kind of idiot put him up there in the first place."

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Bruno Trailer

Wife Swapping

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in eight hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as his woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, roused the children, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, walked them to school, came home and picked up the dry-cleaning, took it to the cleaners, stopped at the bank ATM to withdraw some cash, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the cheque book.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then, it was already 1pm and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, sweep and mop the kitchen floor. He ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and fruit, and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then, set-up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30pm he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for dinner. After dinner he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9pm he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and prayed: "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back. Amen!"

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

Monday, April 06, 2009

Failure to impregnate friend's wife after 72 attempts

Click image to enlarge...

The Prince and the World's Oldest Profession

Prince Charles decides to take up jogging. Every morning he jogs past a prostitute, who works the same street corner each day.

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she shouts to him from the curb.

"No! Five pounds!" he fires back just to shut her up.

This becomes a daily ritual.

One day, Camilla decides that she wants to accompany Charles on his run. As the jogging couple near the working woman's street corner, the prince realises she'll bark her £150 offer, and Camilla will wonder what he's been doing on his morning outings.

As they approach the corner, sure enough, there's the prostitute. Charles tries to avoid eye contact as she watches the pair jogged past.

Then just as they pass, the prostitute mutters, "See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard!"