Paraprosdokians

Paraprosdokian: a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people look intelligent until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right; only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening" and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted pay cheques.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, "In case of emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Why Parents Drink

The boss wondered why one of her most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick, so she dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper: "Hello?"

"Is your daddy home?"

"Yes, he's out in the garden," whispered the small voice.

"May I please speak with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

So the boss asked, "Well, is mum there?"

"Yes, she's out in the garden too."

The boss asked, "May I speak with her please?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was someone with whom she could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a policeman would be doing at her employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the police-dog men."

Growing more worried as she heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"It's a helicopter," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

"The search team just landed a helicopter."

"A search team?" said the boss.

"What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

"ME!"

Pool Leak

I was at the pool last Sunday and decided to have a sneaky piss at the deep end. The life guard must have noticed, he blew his whistle so damned loudly, I nearly fell in.

1 Magician 1 Cup