Clinton Image Management

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is the inscription:

"Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times, caught by Pinkerton Detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."

Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary's staff of professional image adjusters sent back the following biographical sketch:

"Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

Wig's a Wag

UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT FOR THE
DISTRICT OF NEW HAMPSHIRE

Civil No. 06-cv-321-PB

Charles Jay Wolff
v.
New Hampshire Department of Corrections, et al.

ORDER

Plaintiff has filed a hard-boiled egg as part of his preliminary injunction request.

Discussion

No fan I am
Of the egg at hand.
Just like no ham
On the kosher plan.
This egg will rot
I kid you not.
And stink it can
This egg at hand.
There will be no eggs at court
To prove a clog in your aort.
There will be no eggs accepted.
Objections all will be rejected.
From this day forth
This court will ban
hard-boiled eggs of any brand.
And if you should not understand
The meaning of the ban at hand
Then you should contact either Dan,
the Deputy Clerk, or my clerk Jan.
I do not like eggs in the file.
I do not like them in any style.
I will not take them fried or boiled.
I will not take them poached or broiled.
I will not take them soft or scrambled
Despite an argument well-rambled.
No fan I am
Of the egg at hand.
Destroy that egg!
Today! Today!
Today I say! Without delay!

SO ORDERED (with apologies to Dr. Seuss).

James R. Muirhead
United States Magistrate Judge

Date: September 18, 2007

cc: Charles Jay Wolff, pro se
Andrew Livernois, Esq.

Source: UnionLeader.com

Brain Sex

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile avoiding eye contact with the women but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

Male Superiority

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Q: Why do men pass gas more than women?
A: Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Q: What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A: A woman who won't do what she's told.

Q: I married a Miss Right.
A: I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Q: Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
A: It's called a Wedding Cake.

Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Great Britons

Stunning answers from British quiz contestants...

From Quizmania (ITV quiz programme):

Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with "T".

Contestant: Doctor.

Scott: No, it's "T". "T" for Tommy. "T" for Tango.

Contestant: Oh, right... (pause) Doctor.


Danny Kelly's radio show:

Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year?

Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue.

Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?

Contestant: Cartons?


BBC (Norfolk):

Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What a Wonderful World?

Contestant: I don't know.

White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

Contestant: Arm.

White: And if you're not weak, you're...?

Contestant: Strong.

White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

Contestant: Louis.

White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What a Wonderful World?

Contestant: Frank Sinatra?


Late Show (BBC Midlands)

Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?

Contestant: France.

Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.

Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.

Trelinski: Just guess a country then.

Contestant: Paris.


The Weakest Link (BBC2)

Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant: The Conservative Party.


Beacon Radio (Wolverhampton)

DJ Mark: For 10 pounds, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?


The Weakest Link:

Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?

Contestant: Jool carriageway?


GWR FM (Bristol)

Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22 1963?

Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.


Magic 22 (BBC Northeast England)

Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?

Contestant: Erm...

Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.

Contestant: 1965?


Phone In (BBC):

Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant: Barcelona.

Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.


Notts and Crosses (BBC radio Nottingham):

Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest?

Contestant: (long pause) Er, it's not in Scotland, is it?


National Lottery (BBC1)

Question: What is the world's largest continent?

Contestant: The Pacific


James O'Brien Show (LBC)

O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth... erm, three?


Chris Searle Show (Radio Bristol)

Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?

Caller: Japan.

Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller: Er... Mexico?


Notts and Crosses Quiz:

Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place?

Contestant: (after pause) Pearl Harbour?


Steve Wright in the Afternoon (BBC2)

Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?

Contestant: Jesus.


Even Greater Britons...

In Your End Oh!

Dubya and the Devil

One day in the future, George W. Bush has chokes on a pretzel and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do; I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. Richard kept diving in and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Ronald Reagan with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said...

"OK, Monica, you're free to go.

Sack Jack

The boss had to fire somebody, and had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both superb workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."

Grand Final

It's the AFL Grand Final and a man makes his way to his reserved seat right on the wing. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.

"No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty."

"That's incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would buy a seat like this for the AFL Grand Final and not use it?"

The neighbour says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife but she passed away. This is the first Grand Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. Couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head "No, they're all at the funeral."

Stand Up: Akmal Saleh