Thursday, August 30, 2007

Bogan Meets Graduate

Two strangers, one a bogan the other a uni graduate, meet at a party.

Bogan: "Where are you from?"

Graduate: "I come from a place where we don't end our sentences with prepositions."

Bogan: "OK, where are you from, dickhead?"

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Hearing Voices

Steve is working in his shop when he hears a booming voice from above: "Steve, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Steve, sell your business for $3 million."

After weeks of this, he relents and sells his shop. The voice says, "Steve,, go to the casino." He asks why. "Steve, take the $3 million to the casino." He obeys and goes to a casino.

Then the voice says, "Steve, go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." Steve hesitates but knows he must. He's dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing.

"Steve, take a card." What? The dealer has... "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Steve gets an ace - nineteen. He breathes easy.

"Steve, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty.

"Steve, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Steve shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice.

Hit me, Steve says. He gets another ace. Twenty one.

The booming voice goes: "un-fucking-believable!"

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Hunted and Haunted

Two hunters are out in the bush when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other hunter takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says: "OK, now what?"

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Australian Geography

The teacher asked Lauren to go to the map and locate Australia.

LAUREN: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered Australia.

CLASS: Lauren!

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Why Blokes Shouldn't Buy Baby Clothes

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Thursday, August 16, 2007

Beautiful Summer Poem

I found this beautiful summer poem and thought it might help make your day.

It did me, and it's very well written.

a poem by
Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre

It's Hot!

Monday, August 06, 2007

Test of Manhood

A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter filled to the brim with $10 notes.

The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it!

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well... you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests you get all the money."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.

"What are the three tests?" he asks.

"Pay first..." says the bartender, "that's the rule."

So the man gives $10 to the bartender, who puts it in the jar.

"OK," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do:

  1. You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once... and you can't make a face while doing it.
  2. There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
  3. There's a 90 year-old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my 10 bucks but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things!"

Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

The man has a few drinks... then a few more. Finally, he asks, "wherrrre's zaaat tequiiiila?!"

He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp.

Tears are streaming down both cheeks but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up. The people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping, and then silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and large, bloody scratches all over his body.

"Now..." he says, "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?!"

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Shaking Hands with the Pope

The Pope is taking a shower. Although he is very strict about celibacy rules, he occasionally feels the need to exercise his right wrist, and this is such an occasion. Just as he reaches Papal climax he sees a photographer taking a picture of the Holy Seed flying through the air.

"Hold on a minute," shouts the Pope, "you can't do that! You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church."

"This picture is my lottery win," says the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life."

So the Pope offers to buy the photographer's camera, and, after much negotiation, they agree on a figure of two million dollars.

The Pope then dries himself off, and heads off with his new camera. He meets his housekeeper, who spots the camera.

"That looks like a really good camera," she says, "how much did it cost you?"

"Two million dollars," replies the Pope.

"TWO MILLION DOLLARS!" says the housekeeper, "They must have seen you coming!"

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Kids Say the Darnedest Things

A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move."

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later, "Da-ad..."
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"
"No, you had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later, "Da-aaaad..."
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!"
Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..."
"When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?"

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice, "The big sissy."

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my mum says it's a bitch to iron."

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mummy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your bum?"

A little boy was doing his maths homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine..."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mum."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, "...And so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."