Friday, February 29, 2008

In an Irish Pub

"Your glass is empty O'Flaherty, will you be having another?"

"And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?" replied O'Flaherty.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Test for Dementia

Below are five questions and a bonus question to test your mental dexterity. You must answer each question immediately, no cogitating.

  1. You are participating in a race. You overtake the person running second. Where are you now placed in the race?

    Answer: If you answered that you are running first then you are absolutely wrong. If you overtake the second-placed person, you take her place, so you are second.

  2. If you overtake the person running last then you are?

    Answer: If you answered that you are second-to-last then you are wrong; How can you overtake the person running last in a race?

  3. Tricky mental arithmetic: this must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.

    Take 1000 and add 40 to it, add another 1000, add 30, add another 1000, add 20, add another 1000 and add 10. What is the total?

    Did you get 5000?

    The correct answer is actually 4100. If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator.

  4. Mary's father has five daughters:

    1. Nana
    2. Nene
    3. Nini
    4. Nono

    What is the name of the fifth daughter?

    Did you Answer Nunu?

    No, of course it isn't. Her name is Mary. Read the question again!

Bonus question: a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush enters a shop. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses his wish to the shopkeeper and the purchase is successfully transacted.

Next, a blind woman who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses enters a shop. How does she indicate what she wants?

Answer: she simply opens her mouth and asks. She's blind, not you.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Bang Bang

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better."

I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."

"One day he was setting off to go hunting."

"In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge."

"He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature."

"Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and said 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead."

"Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86 year old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books

Chocolate Chip Cookies

  1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
  2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
  3. 4.9 cm3refined halite
  4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
  5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
  6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
  7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
  8. 2 calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
  9. 473.2 cm3 Theobroma cacao
  10. 236.6 cm3 chopped de-encapsulated legume meats
(Serving size # 10)

To a 2 litre jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/Fh-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation.

In a second 2 litre reactor vessel (reactor # 2) with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six and seven until the mixture is homogeneous.

To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogeneous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredients nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extruder attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piecemeal on a 316SS sheet (300x600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston’s first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21,55) or until golden brown.

Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25oC heat transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

John Hamilton, P.Eng.
Underground Gourmet

Monday, February 18, 2008

Clever Car Conundrum

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a "drop off" - the ground is 45-50cm below the level you are travelling - and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you can't overtake it.

Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you.

Q: What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

(scroll-down for the answer)

A: Get off the merry-go-round you're pissed.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Mum Knows, Ding-a-Lings, Vitamins, Dirt & Germs

For those of us who grew up in Perth during the 1980s...

I wish I could find the "Teeth" one.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Giving your pet a pill

Instructions for cat owners

  1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
  2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
  3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
  4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
  5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call friend.
  6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get friend to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down, remove ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
  7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.
  8. Wrap cat in large towel and get friend to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
  9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to friend's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
  10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
  11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
  12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
  13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, hold cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet of steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
  14. Get friend to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
  15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat. Ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Instructions for dog owners
  1. Wrap pill in a bacon rasher.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Marriage Counselling

A husband and wife go for counselling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem is, the wife goes into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem the couple had in the 15 years they'd been married.

She goes on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of the unmet needs she'd endured during the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist gets up, walks around his desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraces and kisses her passionately.

The woman shuts up and quietly sits down as though in a daze. The therapist turns to the husband and asks, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Time Travel Fund

From the Time Travel Fund:

Moments after I contributed my $10 and an additional $10 to have my deceased pop retrieved, I received a letter from my pop (who had been "retrieved" and then "time travelled" to send me the letter, telling me that "it worked" but complaining that he would rather it hadn't as John Howard had just been re-elected for his fourth term after a hiatus of 650yrs (Costello was still challenging - timidly - for the leadership)...