Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Why Women are Happier than Men

  1. the kitchen's all ours
  2. we get control of the wedding plans and we get to look the best at our wedding
  3. chocolate makes up for the orgasms that men rarely give us
  4. reading men is like reading an open book, whereas men can never understand women
  5. we can get into a popular bar much easier than men; we just show some cleavage
  6. we don't fart, we fluff
  7. we know how to colour coordinate
  8. we can build a man's ego just by asking him to open a jar
  9. we get doors opened for us
  10. we're not as hairy and we don't have to shave our faces
  11. we aren't too proud to ask for directions
  12. scratching our groins is not an hourly event in our lives
  13. we can do two things at once
  14. we aren't forced to compensate for our fathers' lack of childhood sports skills every Saturday morning throughout our formative years
  15. we can sit and read every time we go to the bathroom
  16. we can spend time alone with Catholic priests, Boy Scout leaders, and Baptist Youth ministers without feeling sexually threatened
  17. we don't worry about going bald
  18. we never have to rearrange our testicles while wearing tight pants
  19. we never get our genitals caught in our zippers when drunk
  20. we don't have to constantly answer "What are you going to be when you grow up?" shortly after our third birthdays
  21. we can bludgeon someone to death and then get off scot-free by claiming a "hormonal imbalance"
  22. we can commit cold-blooded murder and not only get off scot-free, but end up with a book deal and an appearance on Oprah merely by mentioning "years of violent spousal abuse"
  23. we don't have to go in a pubic women's toilet and worry about some previous occupant having pissed and shat on the seat, the floor, and the surrounding walls.
  24. we ALWAYS outlive our husbands.
  25. we have a wide variety of commercial, sweet smelling deodorants for our sex organs.
  26. we know exactly what to do when a child is sick.
  27. we don't have a freaky, semi-Oedipal relationship with our overbearing mothers
  28. we don't ever have to spit
  29. we don't ever have to hold one nostril shut while blasting snot out of the other
  30. we have an astute, innate sense of when to change underwear before it becomes a petri dish for bacteria development
  31. we never pull a back muscle screaming at the television during a sports event
  32. we don't have to worry about which family member will inherit and care for our collections of sports fan apparel
  33. we never lose six hours on a Saturday morning watching fishing shows on TV
  34. we can terminate a bladder emptying event without waiting for "the shake"
  35. we can tell our doctors anything
  36. we can simulate a perfect, entire sex act with nothing more than ten idle minutes and a cucumber.
  37. best one of all: MULTIPLE ORGASMS
See also Why Men are Happier than Women.

Why Men are Happier than Women

  1. Your surname doesn't change.
  2. The garage is all yours.
  3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  4. Chocolate is just another snack.
  5. You can never be pregnant.
  6. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  7. The world is your urinal.
  8. You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too "yucky".
  9. You don't have to stop and think about which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
  10. Same work, more pay.
  11. Wrinkles add character.
  12. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
  13. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
  14. One mood all the time.
  15. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
  16. You know stuff about tanks and engines.
  17. A ten-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
  18. You can open all your own jars.
  19. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
  20. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
  21. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
  22. You never have strap problems in public.
  23. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
  24. Everything on your face stays its original colour.
  25. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
  26. You only have to shave your face and neck.
  27. You can play with toys all your life.
  28. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one colour for all seasons.
  29. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
  30. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
  31. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
  32. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
See also Why Women are Happier than Men.

James Galea: A Real Card

Bruno: Parent Auditions

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Shake Weight Spoof Advertisement

Old Man on Sexy Women

Courtship advice from a senior citizen:

When you see a woman, and want her badly, please consider the following:

No matter how beautiful her face is...

No matter how curvaceous her body is...

No matter how cute and sweet her smile is...

No matter how round and tight her posterior is...

No matter how seductive her eyes are...

No matter how fragrant her hair is...

No matter how ample her breasts are...

I forgot what I was going to say.

Picture Paints a 1000 Words

Tommy Cooper One-Liners

One-liners attributed to Tommy Cooper:
  1. Two blondes walked into a building... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
  2. Phone answering machine message "If you want marijuana, press the hash key."
  3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Gladwrap for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
  4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
  5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
  6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
  7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off."
  8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.
  9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
  10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
  11. A man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
  12. Man: "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
    Doctor: "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
    Man: "Is it common?"
    Doctor: "'It's not unusual."
  13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" asks the dog's owner. "No," replies the vet, "because he's really heavy."
  14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" the doctor asks. "Don't you start," says the guy.
  15. Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom, boom!
  16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
  17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
  18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
  19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says, "So are you, you fat bastard!"
  20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
  21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, "Parking Fine. So that was nice."
  22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore."

Bridge Over Troubled Waters

A man riding his Harley Davidson was riding along the Victorian coast road when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The bikie pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Tasmania so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic - think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of Bass Strait and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The bikie thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "So, do you want two lanes or four on that bridge?"