I Know Funny: May 2011

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Quotable Kids

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five year-old shout from the back seat, "Mum, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

OPINIONS
On his first day of school, a boy handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

TOMATO SAUCE
A woman was trying hard to get the tomato sauce out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mummy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's changing room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

POLICE #1
While taking a routine vandalism report at a primary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a police officer?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoelace?"

POLICE #2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you have back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

ELDERLY
While working for an organisation that delivers lunches to the elderly, I used to take my four year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

DEATH
While walking along the footpath in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes."

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mum, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

Friday, May 27, 2011

Sincerely

Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.

Sincerely,
Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,

Please realise that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasising about that.

Sincerely,
Logic

Dear Icebergs,

Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.

Sincerely,
The Titanic

Dear J.K. Rowling,

Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?

Sincerely,
Anonymous

Dear America,

You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.

Sincerely,
Canada

Dear Yahoo,

I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...

Sincerely,
Google

Dear 2010,

So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!

Sincerely,
1985

Dear Windshield Wipers,

Can't touch this.

Sincerely,
That Little Triangle

Dear Rose,

There was definitely room on that door for the both of us.

Sincerely,
Jack
PS you let go

Dear girls who have been dumped,

There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.

Sincerely,
BP

Dear Saturn,

I liked it, so I put a ring on it.

Sincerely,
God

Dear Fox News,

So far, no news about foxes.

Sincerely,
Unimpressed

Dear Michael Jackson,

You really should have became a Catholic Priest. The pay isn't great, but the
benefits...

Sincerely,
The Pope

Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,

Please lknvfdmv.xvn.

Sincerely,
Stevie Wonder

Dear Nickleback,

That's enough.

Sincerely,
The World

Dear Skin-Coloured Band Aids,

Please make one for every skin colour.

Sincerely,
Black people

Dear Scissors,

I feel your pain... No one wants to run with me either.

Sincerely,
Sarah Palin

Dear Mary,

Just admit that you slept with someone else. This is getting out of hand.

Sincerely,
Joseph

Dear World of Warcraft,

Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.

Sincerely,
Parents Everywhere

Dear Batman,

What was your power again?

Sincerely,
Superman

Dear Customers,

Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.

Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies

Dear Global Warming,

You're the best imaginary friend ever!

Sincerely,
Al Gore

Dear Ugly People,

You're welcome.

Sincerely,
Alcohol

Dear Mr. Gump

WTF are you talking about? There's a little diagram on the lid that tells you EXACTLY what you're gonna get...

Sincerely,
Jenny

Dear Haiti,

Is it too early to ask what's shakin'?

Sincerely,
Seriously Going To Hell

Dear Martin Luther King Jr.

I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream... What now?

Sincerely,
Leonardo Di Caprio

Dear World,

Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?

Sincerely,
The Mayan

Dear White People,

Don't you just hate immigrants?

Sincerely,
Native Americans

Dear iPhone,

Please stop spell-checking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shit.

Sincerely,
Every iPhone User

Dear Giant Spider on the Wall,

Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you go?

Sincerely,
Terrified

Dear Trash,

At least you get picked up...

Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore

Dear Man,

It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?

Sincerely,
Elephant

Dear Dr. Phil,

Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was here first.

Sincerely,
Dr. Pepper

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Thought for the day

A: People have two ears and only one mouth; I guess that means we should listen more and talk less.

B: You have two legs and only one head. Maybe you should think less and fuck off!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Did Phillip Fart?

Or was it the Queen?

ONN: Missing Teen's Friend Plead For Her Release

Monday, May 16, 2011

Rising Sons

Four mates, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After a few drinks, one of the men had to use the men's room.

Those who remained talked about their families.

The first bloke boasted, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company in the mail room. He studied economics and business administration, and soon began to climb the corporate ladder. Now he's the president of the company. He's become so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday!"

The second man responded, "That's awesome! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so wealthy that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday!"

The third father said, "Well, that is impressive! My son studied at the country's best university and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 5,000 square metre mansion!"

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the men's room. He asked, "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. Howe about your son?"

The fourth man replied, "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends looked stunned. One said, "What a shame... how disappointing for you."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son I'm proud of him and I love him."

"And he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."