Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Subtle humour
Sometimes my Jehovah’s Witness friends get mad at me for ignoring them when they try to tell me knock knock jokes.
My brother Ben has Alzheimer’s. I hope it isn’t hereditary because my brother Ben has Alzheimer’s.
I hate that if a girl has sex with a lot of guys everyone calls her a slut, yet if a guy does the same thing everyone calls him gay.
I told a girl she had drawn her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.
I was going to tell a joke about Jonestown, but the punchline is too long.
If you put your ear next to a woman's leg you can actually hear her say what the fuck are you doing?
Don’t tease fat kids, they already have enough on their plates.
Via AskReddit
My brother Ben has Alzheimer’s. I hope it isn’t hereditary because my brother Ben has Alzheimer’s.
I hate that if a girl has sex with a lot of guys everyone calls her a slut, yet if a guy does the same thing everyone calls him gay.
I told a girl she had drawn her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.
I was going to tell a joke about Jonestown, but the punchline is too long.
If you put your ear next to a woman's leg you can actually hear her say what the fuck are you doing?
Don’t tease fat kids, they already have enough on their plates.
My friend told me I don't understand irony...
...which was ironic because I was standing at a bus stop at the time.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.
...which was ironic because I was standing at a bus stop at the time.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.
A man walks into a bar,
goes up to the bartender, and says, "I'll have some H2O." A second man
then walks up and says, "I'll have some H2O too."
The second man dies.
The second man dies.
Via AskReddit
Monday, December 19, 2011
Great Weekend
A balding, white-haired old man, walked into a jewellery store in a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger girl on his arm.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At this, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweller said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it!"
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said "There was only $25 in your account."
"I know, said the old man, but let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!"
The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At this, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweller said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it!"
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said "There was only $25 in your account."
"I know, said the old man, but let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!"
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Flying Blind
Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start. The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re going to scream too late, and we’re all gonna die."
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start. The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re going to scream too late, and we’re all gonna die."
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