Cyber-Sexual Relations

Jailbreak

A man escapes from a jail where he has been imprisoned for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the man out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."

Who Needs BigPond?

Out of the Frying Pan

A young man called Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Peter's flat mate, Simon was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking but I assure you, Simon and I are just flat mates".

About a week later, Simon came to Peter saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?"

"Well I doubt it but I'll e-mail her just to be sure" said Peter.

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother,

I'm not saying that you did take the frying pan from my house, I'm not saying that you did not take the frying pan but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love Peter.

Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you do sleep with Simon and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Simon but the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the fucking frying pan by now.

Love Mum.

Thirsty?

Source: AdGoodness

Darth Evader

Celebrity Sex

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Rodney Dangerfield

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.
Lynn Lavner

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
Camille Paglia

Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant.
George Burns

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
Sharon Stone

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
Tiger Woods

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Jack Nicholson

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.
Barbara Bush

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
Robin Williams

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place
Billy Crystal

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgemental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
Robert De Niro

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
Dustin Hoffman

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, "I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!"
Jerry Seinfeld

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Robin Williams

It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom.
Joan Rivers

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
Steve Martin

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Elmo Phillips

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Oscar Wilde

It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
George Burns

Baby Knows Funny

Disorder in the Courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word-for-word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh...
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30pm.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.

More Headroom

Things mothers should say ... but never do

"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

"Yeah, I used to wag school a lot, too."

"Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheerful."

"Let me smell that shirt ... Yeah, it's good for another week."

"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, love. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day."

"Well, if Barry's mum says it's OK, that's good enough for me."

"I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve."

"Don't bother wearing a jacket ... the wind-chill is bound to improve."

Tetrisu

Look at that Van Gogh

Vincent Van Gogh was standing at the corner of the bar in his local pub when his mate Rembrandt walked in.

"Fancy a whiskey, Van Gogh?" called out Rembrandt.

"No, it's okay", said Van Gogh, "I've got one ear."

Feel the Difference

The Impotence of Proof-Reading

Has this ever happened to you?

You work very horde on a paper for English clash
And then get a very glow raid (like a D or even a D=)
and all because you are the word¹s liverwurst spoiler.
Proofreading your peppers is a matter of the the utmost impotence.

This is a problem that affects manly, manly students.
I myself was such a bed spiller once upon a term
that my English teacher in my sophomoric year,
Mrs. Myth, said I would never get into a good colleague.
And that¹s all I wanted, just to get into a good colleague.
Not just anal community colleague,
because I wouldn¹t be happy at anal community colleague.
I needed a place that would offer me intellectual simulation,
I really need to be challenged, challenged dentally.
I know this makes me sound like a stereo,
but I really wanted to go to an ivory legal colleague.
So I needed to improvement
or gone would be my dream of going to Harvard, Jail, or Prison
(in Prison, New Jersey).

So I got myself a spell checker
and figured I was on Sleazy Street.

But there are several missed aches
that a spell chukka can¹t can¹t catch catch.
For instant, if you accidentally leave a word
your spell exchequer won¹t put it in you.
And God for billing purposes only
you should have serial problems with Tori Spelling
your spell Chekhov might replace a word
with one you had absolutely no detention of using.
Because what do you want it to douche?
It only does what you tell it to douche.
You¹re the one with your hand on the mouth going clit, clit, clit.
It just goes to show you how embargo
one careless clit of the mouth can be.

Which reminds me of this one time during my Junior Mint.
The teacher read my entire paper on A Sale of Two Titties
out loud to all of my ass mates.
I¹m not joking, I¹m totally cereal.
It was the most humidifying experience of my life,
being laughed at pubicly.

So do yourself a flavor and follow these two Pisces of advice:
One: There is no prostitute for careful editing.
And three: When it comes to proofreading,
the red penis your friend.

Source: Taylor Mali

John Howard on Climate Change

Source: GetUp.org.au

Little Accident

Driving to work this morning, I got distracted and ended up having a minor collision with another car.

Anyway, the other driver got out of his car - turned out he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy". So I said, "Well which one are you then?"