Thursday, August 14, 2008

Oil Change Instructions for Women and Men

Oil Change Instructions for Women
  1. Pull up to Ultratune when the mileage reaches 10,000 Km since the last oil change.
  2. Drink a cup of coffee.
  3. Five minutes later, write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:

Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00

Oil Change Instructions for Men
  1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand-cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for $50.00.
  2. Stop by bottle-shop and buy a carton of beer, write a cheque for $40, drive home.
  3. Open a beer and drink it.
  4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
  5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
  6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
  7. Place drain pan under engine.
  8. Look for 9/16 socket.
  9. Give up and use shifter.
  10. Unscrew drain plug.
  11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Curse.
  12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
  13. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
  14. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
  15. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
  16. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
  17. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes.
  18. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.
  19. Drink a beer.
  20. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to basket surface.
  21. Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine.
  22. Remember drain plug from step 11.
  23. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
  24. Drink beer.
  25. Discover that first litre of fresh oil is now on the floor.
  26. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
  27. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill.
  28. Drink beer.
  29. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes.
  30. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug.
  31. Slip with stupid shifter to tighten drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
  32. Begin cursing fit.
  33. Throw stupid shifter.
  34. Curse for additional five minutes because shifter hit golf trophy.
  35. Beer.
  36. Clean hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
  37. Beer.
  38. Pour in four fresh litres of oil.
  39. Beer.
  40. Lower car from jack stands.
  41. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
  42. Beer.
  43. Test drive car.
  44. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
  45. Car gets impounded.
  46. Call loving wife, make bail.
  47. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $40.00
Total: $4165.00

But you know the job was done right!

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