- Pull up to Ultratune when the mileage reaches 10,000 Km since the last oil change.
- Drink a cup of coffee.
- Five minutes later, write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Oil Change: $20.00
Oil Change Instructions for Men
- Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand-cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for $50.00.
- Stop by bottle-shop and buy a carton of beer, write a cheque for $40, drive home.
- Open a beer and drink it.
- Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
- Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
- In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
- Place drain pan under engine.
- Look for 9/16 socket.
- Give up and use shifter.
- Unscrew drain plug.
- Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Curse.
- Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
- Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
- Have another beer while watching oil drain.
- Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
- Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
- Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes.
- Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.
- Drink a beer.
- Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to basket surface.
- Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine.
- Remember drain plug from step 11.
- Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
- Drink beer.
- Discover that first litre of fresh oil is now on the floor.
- Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
- Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill.
- Drink beer.
- Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes.
- Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug.
- Slip with stupid shifter to tighten drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
- Begin cursing fit.
- Throw stupid shifter.
- Curse for additional five minutes because shifter hit golf trophy.
- Clean hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
- Pour in four fresh litres of oil.
- Lower car from jack stands.
- Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
- Test drive car.
- Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
- Car gets impounded.
- Call loving wife, make bail.
- 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Impound fee: $75.00
But you know the job was done right!