Coitus Corruptus

Judge to prostitute : "So when did you realize you were raped?"

Prostitute, wiping away tears: "When the cheque bounced."

Irish Alzheimers

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fainted when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in Church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with ya Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn comes to Church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of Church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about "Thou Shalt Not Steal" ya decided you would rather do without the hat than burn in Hell, right?"

Murphy slowly shook his head and said, "No, Father, after ya talked about "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", I remembered where I left me hat."

Beggars Belief

Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars at several motorway services in England. Ahmed drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend. Hamid only brings in two or three pounds a day. Hamid asks Ahmed how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day.

Ahmed says, "Look at your sign. It says, 'I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.' Britons who read that do not feel as if they have accomplished anything by giving you money; you will still have no job and a large family. Now look at my sign."

So Hamid looks at Ahmed's sign which reads: "I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan."

Madge the British Madonna

When Madonna first moved to the UK after marrying Guy Ritchie, she said she wanted to feel more English.

Having divorced Guy, she is now an unmarried mum with three kids from two different fathers.

Mission accomplished.

The Sideshow: Kitty Flanagan

Scotsman's Stool

Pungent Puns

1. Two TV antennae met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
   The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar.
   The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown.
   One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. Patient: "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
   Doctor: "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
   Patient: "Is it common?"
   Doctor: "Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
   Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
   "I don't believe you," says Dolly.
   "It's true - no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
   The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: the feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
    He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
    The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood bar last week... and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
    One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in their craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
    After about an hour, the hotel manager came out of her office, and asked them to disperse.
    "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
    "Because," she said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman gives birth to identical twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
    Her husband responds, "They're identical twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive collection of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
    This made him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail.
    The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
    No pun in ten did.

Sean Morey: The Man Song

I don't take no crap from anybody!
...else but you.
I wear the pants around here!
...when I'm finished with your laundry.
Cause I'm a guy you don't want to fight!
When I say "jump"
...you say "yeah, right".
I'm the man of this house!
...until you get home.

What I say goes around here!
...right out the window.
And I don't want to hear a lot of whining!
...so I'll shut up.
The sooner you learn who's boss around here!
...the sooner you can give me my orders, dear.
Cause I am the head honcho!
...but it's all in my head.

And I can have sex anytime!
...that you want.
Cause I'm a man who has needs!
...but they're not that important.
And don't expect any flowers from me!
...because if I'm not mistaken you prefer jewellery.
I'm the king of my castle!
...when you're not around.

And I'll drink and watch sports whenever I want!
...to get into trouble.
And I'll come home when I'm good and ready!
...to sleep on the couch.
Because a man's got to do what a man's got to do!
...and I'm going to do what you tell me to.
Because I'm top dog around here!
...but I've been neutered!

By Sean Morey

Engineer vs Manager

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes that he is lost. He reduces altitude and spots a man on the ground below. He lowers his balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you help me please? I promised my friend I would meet her half an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The man below says, "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, floating approximately 15 metres above the ground. Your latitude is between 40 and 42 degrees north, and your longitude is between 58 and 60 degrees west."

"You must be an engineer," shouts the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says, "You must be a manager".

"I am," replies the balloonist, "But how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are nor where you are going. You have made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position as you were in before we met but now it is somehow my fault."

Divorced Barbie

On his way home from work one day, a father suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He hurries into a toy shop and asks a female sales assistant, "How much are those Barbie Dolls in the display window?"

"Which one do you mean, Sir?" asks the assistant. "We have: Work-Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95."

"How much?" asks the father. "Why is Divorced Barbie $265.95 while the others only $19.95?"

The sales assistant rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers, "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's Balls."

BBQ Etiquette

1. The woman buys the food.
2. The woman prepares the salad and vegetables, and makes dessert.
3. The woman readies the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
4. Here comes the important part: the man places the meat on the grill.
   
   More routine...
   
   
5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is ready for turning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he turns the meat.
7. Important again: the man takes the meat off the grill and passes it to the woman.
   
   More routine...
   
   
8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins and sauces, and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and washes the dishes.
10. Most important of all: everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off" and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.