Tuesday, August 26, 2008


An elderly couple are in Church one Sunday.

The old lady turns to her husband and whispers, "George, I just let out a silent fart but I can feel have another one coming on. What shall I do?"

John whispers back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid"

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Hairy Gorilla Sex

Melbourne Zoo acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem; the gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, the zoo had no male gorillas.

Reflecting on their problem, the zoo management noticed Graham, a big Kiwi lad, and former All Black, responsible for maintaining the zoo's machinery.

Graham, like most Kiwis, seemed endowed with ample ability to satisfy any female. So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Graham was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?

Graham showed some interest but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Graham announced that he would accept the offer but only under three conditions:

"Fust," he said, "I don't want to have to kuss 'er."

"Sicondly, you must niver, niver tull anyone about thus."

The zoo administrators quickly agreed to these conditions, and then asked Graham for his third condition.

"Wull," said Graham, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."

Thursday, August 21, 2008

The Recycling Rabbi

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While the inspector was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi.

"What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Oil Change Instructions for Women and Men

Oil Change Instructions for Women
  1. Pull up to Ultratune when the mileage reaches 10,000 Km since the last oil change.
  2. Drink a cup of coffee.
  3. Five minutes later, write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:

Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00

Oil Change Instructions for Men
  1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand-cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for $50.00.
  2. Stop by bottle-shop and buy a carton of beer, write a cheque for $40, drive home.
  3. Open a beer and drink it.
  4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
  5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
  6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
  7. Place drain pan under engine.
  8. Look for 9/16 socket.
  9. Give up and use shifter.
  10. Unscrew drain plug.
  11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Curse.
  12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
  13. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
  14. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
  15. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
  16. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
  17. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes.
  18. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.
  19. Drink a beer.
  20. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to basket surface.
  21. Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine.
  22. Remember drain plug from step 11.
  23. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
  24. Drink beer.
  25. Discover that first litre of fresh oil is now on the floor.
  26. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
  27. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill.
  28. Drink beer.
  29. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes.
  30. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug.
  31. Slip with stupid shifter to tighten drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
  32. Begin cursing fit.
  33. Throw stupid shifter.
  34. Curse for additional five minutes because shifter hit golf trophy.
  35. Beer.
  36. Clean hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
  37. Beer.
  38. Pour in four fresh litres of oil.
  39. Beer.
  40. Lower car from jack stands.
  41. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
  42. Beer.
  43. Test drive car.
  44. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
  45. Car gets impounded.
  46. Call loving wife, make bail.
  47. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $40.00
Total: $4165.00

But you know the job was done right!

Friday, August 08, 2008

Short Fairytale

One day, a long, long time ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch...

But it was a long time ago... and it was just one day.

The End