How to spend your Stimulus Package payment

This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the question-and-answer format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition television or some such thing, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Australian economy by spending your stimulus payment wisely:

• If you spend it at Kmart, all the money will go to China.
• If you spend it on petrol all the money will go to the Middle East.
• If you purchase a computer all the money will go to India.
• If you use it to buy a car all the money will go to Japan or Korea.
• If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.

And none of it will help the Australian economy.

We need to keep that money here in Australia. You can keep the money in Australia by spending it at garage sales, going to a cricket match or footy game, or spending it on prostitutes (locals only), beer, wine and spirits (domestic only) or tattoos, since those are the only businesses that might still be owned by Aussies.