Friday, September 25, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Cricket Balls
The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Pun-o-rama
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whiskey maker,
but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class
because it was a weapon of math disruption.
The butcher backed into the meat grinder
and got a little behind in his work.
No matter how much you push the envelope,
it'll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France
would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two silk worms had a race.
They ended up in a tie.
Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on a head."
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said:
"Keep off the Grass."
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said,
"No change yet."
A chicken crossing the road
is poultry in motion.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison
was a small medium at large.
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray
is now a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary,
they got a taste of religion.
Don't join dangerous cults:
Practice safe sects!
Two flies were arguing on a toilet seat.
One got pissed off.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whiskey maker,
but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class
because it was a weapon of math disruption.
The butcher backed into the meat grinder
and got a little behind in his work.
No matter how much you push the envelope,
it'll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France
would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two silk worms had a race.
They ended up in a tie.
Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on a head."
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said:
"Keep off the Grass."
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said,
"No change yet."
A chicken crossing the road
is poultry in motion.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison
was a small medium at large.
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray
is now a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary,
they got a taste of religion.
Don't join dangerous cults:
Practice safe sects!
Two flies were arguing on a toilet seat.
One got pissed off.
Of Dogs, Monkeys, Cows and Men
The first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at passers by.
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at passers by.
Mongolian Herpes
While visiting China, a businessman is sexually promiscuous and doesn't use a condom during his escapades.
A week after arriving back home in Sydney, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian Herpes. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."
The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."
The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice."
The next day, the man seeks out a traditional Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease."
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My GP wants to operate and amputate my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid western physicians, always want to operate - make more money that way. There's no need to amputate."
"Oh, thank God!" the man replies.
"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "wait two weeks. It'll fall off by itself."
A week after arriving back home in Sydney, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian Herpes. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."
The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."
The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice."
The next day, the man seeks out a traditional Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease."
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My GP wants to operate and amputate my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid western physicians, always want to operate - make more money that way. There's no need to amputate."
"Oh, thank God!" the man replies.
"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "wait two weeks. It'll fall off by itself."
Rugby Balls
Wiremu, a New Zealander, landed at Heathrow to watch the All Blacks and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.
"Hey doc, I don't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had prostate problems, and that the only cure was testicular removal.
"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
The second Pommy doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.
Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated but, with only hours to go before the All Blacks opening game he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said "Wiremu, you have prostate sukness ey".
"What's the cure thin doc ey?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "We're gonna huv to cut off your balls."
"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "Those Pommy bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
"Hey doc, I don't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had prostate problems, and that the only cure was testicular removal.
"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
The second Pommy doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.
Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated but, with only hours to go before the All Blacks opening game he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said "Wiremu, you have prostate sukness ey".
"What's the cure thin doc ey?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "We're gonna huv to cut off your balls."
"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "Those Pommy bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
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