Friday, February 27, 2009

Virgin's First Time

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic but he has never had sex before so he takes a trip to the local pharmacy to buy condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a three-pack, ten-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents' house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Monday, February 23, 2009

Tow Away Zone

Cheers: Herd Intelligence

Well you see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Morally Challenged

You are driving down the road on a dark, stormy night, when you pass by a bus-stop where you see three people waiting for a bus:
  1. An old lady who looks as if she's about to die.
  2. An old friend who once saved your life.
  3. The perfect partner you've been dreaming of.
Who would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that you can fit only one passenger in your car?

This moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady because she is about to die, and thus you could save her life.

Or you could take your old friend because they once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to repay them.

However, you might never be able to find your perfect soul-mate again.

What would you do?

The job candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with her answer:
I would give the car keys to my old friend and let them take the old lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.
BORING! The correct answer is:

Run over the old lady, and put her out of her misery, copulate with your perfect partner on the bonnet of your car, then drive off with your old friend for a couple of drinks.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Assassin Job Interview

The FBI had a job opening for an assassin. Two male and one female applied.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Behind this door you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat and blood from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Drive She Said

Saturday, February 14, 2009

English Scottish Detente

A Scotsman is driving through Europe and an Englishman is driving in the opposite direction. In the middle of the night, with no other cars on the road they collide head-on with both cars flying off the road in different directions. The Scotsman climbs out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and exclaims, "Och, I am lucky to be alive!" Likewise, the Englishman scrambles out of his car and looks at the wreckage. He mutters to himself, 'Blimey, I can't believe I survived!".

The Englishman staggers over to the Scotsman and says, "You know mate, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of rivals." The Scotsman thinks for a moment and says, "You're absolutely right, Jimmy! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived the crash."

So, the Scotsman open his car's boot and finds a full unopened bottle of Scotch whisky. He offers the bottle to the Englishman and says, "I think this must be another sign that we toast our new found understanding and friendship." The Englishman says, "You're quite right!", takes the bottle and starts gulping down the whisky.

After drinking nearly half the bottle, the Englishman hands it back to the Scotsman and says, "Your turn!" The Scotsman twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nah, I think I'll wait for the police to show up."

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Hores: Ride 'em cowboy

Allegedly a child's "sticker story":


Sticker Story: Hores.

I like hores. Hores have other hores frinds. Hores like carots. You wouldn't think they coud but they can put thir legs strait up. Hores make you feel good. My Dad wants a hore but my Mom says no. When I am . 16 or 20 I Will buy my own hores.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Sado-Masochistic Kid

One day a mother was cleaning her teenage son's room, and in his closet she found an S&M magazine. Unsure of how to confront her son, she hid the magazine until her husband came home. She showed her husband what she'd found, he looked at the magazine and then handed it back to her without a word.

She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"

He looked back at her hesitantly and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

Sunday, February 08, 2009

Dylan Moran: Australia and the English

A moment of clarity

Governmentium: Heaviest element known to science

The heaviest element known to science has now been discovered...

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of two to six years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Aussie Friendship Pledge

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get pissed and plot revenge against the bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.

4. When you are scared -- I will stir you about it every chance I get until you're not.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you stories about how much worse it could be until you stop whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will try to use only simple words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will laugh at your clumsy arse, but I'll help you up.

This is my oath... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask - because you are my friend.

Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth.