Friday, January 28, 2011

Lady Gaga: Bad Project

A Pun or Three

My mate just hired an Eastern European house cleaner. It took her five hours to hoover the place. Turns out she was a Slovak.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

Due to the water shortage in Ireland, swimming pools in Dublin have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

Cricket Cracks

Q. What did the cricket spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
A. The entire Australian innings.

Q. What do you get if you cross the Australian cricket team with an OXO cube?
A. A laughing stock.

The Australian bob-sleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting. They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!

The Office: Scott vs. Brent

Monday, January 10, 2011

Sticky Situation

Incomprehensible Iraqi Insurgents

New Years Resolutions

  • The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So that's the time to steal stuff.
  • Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
  • Always remember that you are unique. Like everyone else.
  • Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  • If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of payments.
  • Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
  • If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.
  • Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
  • Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.
  • If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
  • Some days we are the bugs; some days we are the windscreens.
  • Good judgement comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgement.
  • The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
  • A closed mouth gathers no feet.
  • Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.
  • Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  • The most wasted day of all - is one in which we have not laughed.

Christmas Angel

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regulars, so Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out who knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of glass shards all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of it.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.