Friday, April 27, 2007
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Three Minute Management Course
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next-door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a nun a lift in his car. She got in and crossed her legs offering a revealing glimpse of her thighs. The priest nearly had a traffic accident. After regaining control of the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest promptly removed his hand but after changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It says, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales representative, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie emerges. The genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."
Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next-door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a nun a lift in his car. She got in and crossed her legs offering a revealing glimpse of her thighs. The priest nearly had a traffic accident. After regaining control of the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest promptly removed his hand but after changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It says, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales representative, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie emerges. The genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."
Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
- Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
- Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
- And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Toe Poke
A husband and wife book a romantic weekend at a hotel. Unfortunately, their double-room reservation is bungled and instead they are given an attic room with two single beds. On the floor between the beds is a raised beam over which the couple must step in order to avoid stubbing their toes.
When they retire to bed the husband switches off the light and says to his wife "How about a bit of nookie?"
She agrees and makes her way across the darkened room and painfully stubs her toe on the raised beam. Her husband hears her shout in pain and comforts her by saying, "Oh diddums did you stub your little tootsie-wootsie, come and lie in my bed and let me rub it better for you."
She lies next to him in bed and they spend the next hour having wonderful sex. The wife then gets out of her husband's bed and starts to cross the room to her bed and again stubs her toe on the raised beam. On again hearing her shout with pain her husband says, "Jesus can't you pick your bloody feet up!"
When they retire to bed the husband switches off the light and says to his wife "How about a bit of nookie?"
She agrees and makes her way across the darkened room and painfully stubs her toe on the raised beam. Her husband hears her shout in pain and comforts her by saying, "Oh diddums did you stub your little tootsie-wootsie, come and lie in my bed and let me rub it better for you."
She lies next to him in bed and they spend the next hour having wonderful sex. The wife then gets out of her husband's bed and starts to cross the room to her bed and again stubs her toe on the raised beam. On again hearing her shout with pain her husband says, "Jesus can't you pick your bloody feet up!"
Monday, April 23, 2007
Saturday, April 21, 2007
A Polite Rejection Letter from The Smithsonian
Purported to be an actual letter from the archives of The Smithsonian...
Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie".
It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.
We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities
Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie".
It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.
We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Friday, April 13, 2007
When Irish Eyes are Smiling
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened.
First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one: Seamus O'Reilly from Donegal, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Well he thought he was having his photo taken."
First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one: Seamus O'Reilly from Donegal, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Well he thought he was having his photo taken."
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Monday, April 09, 2007
Evening Classes for Women
Note: due to the intense nature of the course material, each session has a maximum of eight participants.
Topic 1: Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
Topic 2: The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
Topic 3: Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
Topic 4: Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
Topic 5: Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking.
Topic 6: Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging.
Topic 7: Telephone Skills - How to hang up in less than 30 minutes.
Topic 8: Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You can Acquire.
Topic 9: Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both.
Topic 10: Introduction to Parking.
Topic 11: Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space.
Topic 12: Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.
Topic 13: Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Own.
Topic 14: Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.
Topic 15: Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.
Topic 16: Cooking: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
Topic 17: TV Remotes: For Men Only.
Topic 1: Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
Topic 2: The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
Topic 3: Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
Topic 4: Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
Topic 5: Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking.
Topic 6: Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging.
Topic 7: Telephone Skills - How to hang up in less than 30 minutes.
Topic 8: Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You can Acquire.
Topic 9: Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both.
Topic 10: Introduction to Parking.
Topic 11: Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space.
Topic 12: Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.
Topic 13: Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Own.
Topic 14: Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.
Topic 15: Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.
Topic 16: Cooking: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
Topic 17: TV Remotes: For Men Only.
Evening Classes for Men
Note: Due to the intense nature of the course material, each session has a maximum of eight participants.
Topic 1: How to fill ice-cube trays. Step-by-step with slide presentation.
Topic 2: Lavatory paper rolls: do they grow on the holders? Round-table discussion.
Topic 3: Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.
Topic 4: The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.
Topic 5: Loss of identity: losing the remote to your significant other. Helpline and support groups.
Topic 6: Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.
Topic 7: Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tape.
Topic 8: Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life testimonials.
Topic 9: Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.
Topic 10: Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife. Online class and role playing.
Topic 11: How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
Topic 12: How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.
Topic 1: How to fill ice-cube trays. Step-by-step with slide presentation.
Topic 2: Lavatory paper rolls: do they grow on the holders? Round-table discussion.
Topic 3: Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.
Topic 4: The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.
Topic 5: Loss of identity: losing the remote to your significant other. Helpline and support groups.
Topic 6: Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.
Topic 7: Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tape.
Topic 8: Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life testimonials.
Topic 9: Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.
Topic 10: Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife. Online class and role playing.
Topic 11: How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
Topic 12: How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.
Cleared for Take Off
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humour!
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humour!
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)