Leather Effect

Memo from Osama: Cave Etiquette

AL QAEDA

OFFICE OF OSAMA BIN LADEN
CAVE 7422, TORA BORA, AFGHANISTAN

INTERNAL MEMORANDUM

To all Jihadists,

Subject: The Cave (do not distribute outside the Organization)

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we continue to fight the infidels in this New Year, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns.

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation (a health and safety issue), so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning-rota... have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the shit out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the "wassup" thing. Thanks.

Third - food. I bought a box of Darrel Lea recently. I clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Darrel Lea slices were gone. Consideration - that's all I'm saying.

Fourth, I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the infidel's bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ozzy, ozzy, ozzy, oi, oi, oi" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

Fifth - graffiti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA FUCKS DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall - it's a lie. The donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Sixth, the use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam - the old excuse that the "chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain" will not be accepted in future (with donkeys, there is a grey area).

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.

Love you lots,
Group Hug.
Os.

P.S. - I'm sick of having "Osama Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut it out, it's not funny anymore.

Bible Bashing

Alleged to be answers provided by children at a Roman Catholic junior school, to a test containing questions about the Old and New Testaments of The Bible.

1. In the first book of The Bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let him self be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
7. Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. After wards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
9. The first Commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
12. The greatest miricle in The Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others be fore they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 Decibels.
22. The Epistels were the wives of the A Postles.
23. One of the Oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Japanese Research: Baby Fur Seal Caps

Adelaide Crows Downfall

Friends Like These

Friendship Among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship Among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

Foreplay for the Happily Married

After 30 years of marriage, a couple were lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the television.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "That was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

He said, "I found the remote".

Sup with the devil

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created dairy icecream and Magnums. And Satan ask, "Do you want hot fudge with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" And Woman said, "I'll have one too with chocolate chips". And so they gained five kilograms.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad". And Satan presented blue cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them".

And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken-fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more weight. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra kilos.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonalds and the 99 cent double cheeseburger. Then Satan asked "Would you like want fries with that?" and Man replied, "Yes, and super size 'em". And Satan said, "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then Satan chuckled and created Medicare.

Patient Enquiry

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Would it be possible to speak with someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse." After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news. Norma's nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! Bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me a damned thing."

Cyclone Shazza Hits Kwinana

Cyclone Shazza hit Kwinana in the early hours of Monday. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering 'Faaackinell'.

The cyclone devastated the area causing approximately $30 worth of damage. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Centrelink cheques arrived. The Kwinana Times reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Kwinana.

One resident - Tracy Maree Sharon Britney Madonna Smith, a 15-year-old mother of five said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two Joachim and River slept through it all."

Apparently, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The Australian Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Bacardi-Breezers to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including Health Care Cards, Jewellery from Kmart, and Bone China from Big W.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: flannelette shirts, tight blue jeans or spandex, singlets (blue and white only) white sport socks, Ugg boots and any other items usually sold in Priceline or The Reject Shop.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs urgently needed include: Microwave meals, Baked beans, Ice cream, Chips, Fizzy drinks.

Donations of $15.00 will be taken to buy a packet of Winny blue 25s and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**

Kwinana Uniting Church has cancelled their local "Nativity Display" due to their inability to find three wise men or a virgin. Please don't forward this to anyone living in Kwinana - oh, stuff it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.

Naked Irish Blonde Crap

A voluptuous blonde from Dublin enters a casino and proceeds to a craps table manned by a pair of male croupiers.

She bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.

She says to the croupiers , "I hope you don't mind but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked".

Without waiting for an answer she strips off her clothing, takes the dice, throws them down the table and yells, "Come on, baby, Mamma needs new clothes!"

As the dice roll to a stop, she leaps up and down, squealing "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugs each croupier, picks up her winnings and clothes, and quickly departs.

The croupiers stare at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll?"

The other answers, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

Oh Canada

On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats, eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."

God continued, "I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"

"Not really," replied God "just wait and see the winters I am going to give them."

Failures

Colbert Report: U.S. Airweighs

Maxed Metaphors

Allegedly from NSW year 12 English essays:

• Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.


• He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.


• She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
• The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
• McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a plastic bag filled with vegetable soup.
• Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
• Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre.
• Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
• He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
• The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot oil.
• John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
• The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
• Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
• Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
• The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
• The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
• He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
• She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
• It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
• The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
• The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
• The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
• He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
• She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
• She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature beef.
• She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
• It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.