Cyclone Shazza Hits Kwinana

Cyclone Shazza hit Kwinana in the early hours of Monday. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering 'Faaackinell'.

The cyclone devastated the area causing approximately $30 worth of damage. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Centrelink cheques arrived. The Kwinana Times reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Kwinana.

One resident - Tracy Maree Sharon Britney Madonna Smith, a 15-year-old mother of five said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two Joachim and River slept through it all."

Apparently, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The Australian Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Bacardi-Breezers to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including Health Care Cards, Jewellery from Kmart, and Bone China from Big W.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: flannelette shirts, tight blue jeans or spandex, singlets (blue and white only) white sport socks, Ugg boots and any other items usually sold in Priceline or The Reject Shop.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs urgently needed include: Microwave meals, Baked beans, Ice cream, Chips, Fizzy drinks.

Donations of $15.00 will be taken to buy a packet of Winny blue 25s and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**

Kwinana Uniting Church has cancelled their local "Nativity Display" due to their inability to find three wise men or a virgin. Please don't forward this to anyone living in Kwinana - oh, stuff it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.