Thursday, September 25, 2008

Croak It

An 89 year old fisherman was sitting in his boat one day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the surface, was a frog. The old man asked, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog answered, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you've ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you'll have me as your bride."

The old fisherman looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, "What are you crazy? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I'll be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Short back and sides

A guy stuck his head into a barber's shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around his shop and said, "About two hours."

The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About three hours."

The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "Only about an hour."

The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favour - follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut but then he doesn't ever come back".

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "To see your wife."

The Wrong Palin for President

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Restorative Power of Beer

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the father that his son has been born without a torso, arms or legs - his son is just a head. Even so the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is old enough for his first alcoholic drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells his son that he is proud of him and orders him a pint of lager. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tips, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his glass and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right, out through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him killing him instantly. The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "He should've quit while he was a head!"

Friday, September 19, 2008


A guy was celebrating his birthday. He and his wife weren't well off so his wife dipped into the housekeeping money each week for about six months and presented him with a great new shirt for his birthday. He loved the shirt and put it on straight away. His wife was really pleased.

Later that day he decided to have a few beers with his mates at the local pub. As he left his wife suggested that he take off his new shirt in case he spilled something on it.

"No, no", he said, "I love this shirt and I want to show it off to the boys."

Anyway, the few beers turned into many and our birthday boy became falling-down drunk, so much so that he threw-up all over his new shirt. His mates cleaned him up as best they could, and when he sobered up a little he realised what his wife would say when he got home and she saw what he'd done to his new shirt.

"Oh no", he said, "my wife will kill me for spewing on my new shirt."

So his mates convinced him to go home with a $20 note in his hand and tell his wife that someone else had spewed on his new shirt, had apologised and given him the twenty to have it professionally cleaned.

So our hero arrives home and, as predicted, his wife hit the roof.

"Hold on", he says taking the money from his pocket, "I didn't spew on my new shirt. It was this other guy. He even gave me $20 to have it professionally cleaned."

His wife listens to his unlikely story and grabs the cash from him.

"There are two $20 notes here", she says. "What's the second one for?"

"Oh", he confidently replies, "that's from the guy who crapped in my underpants."

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Drinking Dogs

Two women were out for a stroll with their dogs. One had a Doberman, the other had a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go into that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there; we have the dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

As they walked towards the bar, the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark sunglasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman is your seeing eye dog?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought convincing the bouncer that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog might be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the hell," so she put on her dark sunglasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a fucking Chihuahua?"

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Lunch with Dad at the mall

I took my old man to the mall the other day to help him buy some new shoes. We decided to have lunch at the food court. I noticed dad was looking at a teenager seated next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in multiple colours: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would find dad staring at him each time he turned. When he'd had finally had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my dad would have a good response, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on hearing it. Without batting an eyelid he answered: "Got drunk once and fucked a peacock. I was just wondering whether you were my son."

Friday, September 12, 2008

Secret of Happy Marriage

On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage.

The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no "I" in the word 'marriage'."

The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

The Woman That Best Represents Your AFL Team

JULIA ROBERTS: big in the 1990s but done nothing lately.

PAMELA ANDERSON: best and only asset is up front.

NAOMI CAMPBELL: struts around like a winner but behaves like a loser.

BELINDA NEAL: arrogant bitch who thinks the world revolves around her.

SHARON STONE: once the hottest name in the business, now just a fading force.

CASEY DONOVAN: seemed like a good idea at the time, now no one is buying her shit.

NATALIE BASSINGTHWAITE: a star after years as a bit player.

JESSICA ALBA: hot, hot, hot!

LINDSAY LOHAN: a miracle she is still alive

KIM (FROM KATH & KIM): deluded and incapable of living without the intensive support of others. Would fit right in on the Gold Coast.

BRITNEY SPEARS: once had the world at her fingertips. Now can't even remember to wear her underwear in public and is a failure on the home front.

JANE FONDA: a legend in the 60s and 70s but you wouldn't touch her in 2008.

RICKI LEE COULTER: promises a lot but never delivers

CATE BLANCHETT: used to be boring but has become interesting again.

AMY WINEHOUSE: enough said.

Friday, September 05, 2008

Pepsi Godfather

Where Would You Be?

Where would you be if:
  • You had all the money your heart desires?
  • You had no worries?
  • You came home and the finest meal is awaiting you?
  • Your bath water had been run?
  • You had perfect kids or pets?
  • Your partner was awaiting you, with open arms and kisses?
So, where would you be?

You'd be in the wrong fucking house!

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Eddie Izzard: Death Star Canteen

Walk the Talk

The seminar room was full of pregnant women and their spouses - an antenatal class was in full swing. The female instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly during labor, and was advising the men of how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of childbirth.

She then said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens your pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier."

She then addressed the men in the room, "Gentlemen, remember - you're both in this together; it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner."

The room became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" asked the instructor.

"I was just wondering. Is it all right if my wife carries a golf bag while we walk together?"

Petting to Fucking

About 38 minutes: