Ruddy Good Fortune

Rudd, Gillard and Swan are flying on the PM's RAAF VIP Aircraft to a soiree in Canberra when Rudd turns to Gillard and says, chuckling, "You know, I could throw a $100 note out of the window right now and make someone very happy."

Gillard shrugs and replies, "Well, I could throw five $20 notes out of the window and make five people happy."

Not to be outdone, Swan says, "Well I could throw twenty $5 notes out of the window and make twenty people happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant pricks back there. Hell, I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 21 million people happy."

Bedtime Stories

What differentiates females aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78?

At 8 -- You put her to bed and read her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story? What bed? Who the hell are you?

Spidey Nonsense

Facts All Parents Should Know

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 200m2 house 10cm deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A three-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 18kg child wearing Batman undies and a Superman cape. However, it is strong enough, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 6m x 6m room.
5. You should not throw cricket balls up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a cricket ball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a cricket ball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Domestos makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old adult says they can only do it in the films.
10. Certain Lego blocks will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much jelly you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like jelly.
15. VCRs do not eject Vegemite sandwiches.
16. Rubbish bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably don't want to know what that odour is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Perth has a five-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. However, it will make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. 80% of women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25. 80% of men who read this will try mixing Domestos and brake fluid.

Coital Calorie Counter

REMOVING HER CLOTHES
With her consent.......................12 Calories
Without her consent.................187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA
With both hands.........................8 Calories
With one hand............................12 Calories
With your teeth..........................85 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM
With an erection..........................6 Calories
Without an erection....................315 Calories

PRELIMINARIES
Trying to find the Clitoris..........8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot..........92 Calories

POSITIONS
Missionary..................................12 Calories
69 Lying down............................78 Calories
69 Standing up...........................112 Calories
Wheelbarrow..............................216 Calories
Doggy Style................................326 Calories
Italian Chandelier......................912 Calories

ORGASMS
Real.............................................112 Calories
Fake............................................315 Calories

POST ORGASM
Lying in bed cuddling...............18 Calories
Getting up immediately...........36 Calories
Explaining why you got up immediately....816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION
If you are:
20-29 Years old........................36 Calories
30-39 Years old........................80 Calories
40-49 Years old........................124 Calories
50-59 Years old........................972 Calories
60-69 Years old........................2916 Calories
70 and over...............................Results still pending

DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS
Calmly.......................................32 Calories
In a hurry.................................98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door......1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door........3521 Calories

Make Deadshits History

Human Body Stats

• It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
• One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).
• The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
• Human thigh-bones are stronger than concrete.
• A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
• There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
• Women blink twice as often as men.
• The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
• Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
• If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
• Women reading this will be finished now.
• Men are still busy checking their thumbs!

Chinese Calendar Coincidences

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken
Bird Flu pandemic devastates parts of Asia.

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse
Equine Influenza decimates Australian horse racing.

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig
Swine Flu pandemic kills sweeps across the globe.

Has any one else noticed this? It gets worse - next year...

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - What could possibly go wrong?


[ ok, some comedic license needs to be granted for this to work... ]

Knickers Not in a Knot

Little Susie comes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep insisting she do cartwheels because she's very good at them.

Mum said, "You should say NO - they only want to look at your knickers".
Susie said, "I know they do, that's why I hide them in my bag!"

Turn Off Your Screensaver Before Your Presentation

Origin of Swine Flu

Winnie the Flu