Sunday, July 26, 2009

Bear Essentials

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, which is also empty. "What SOB has been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?"

"It was Mummy Bear who got up first."

"It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house."

"It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee."

"It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher."

"It was Mummy Bear who swept the kitchen floor."

"It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants."

"It was Mummy Bear who set the damned table."

"It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the out of the cat's litter tray, fed them, and refilled their water bowls."

"And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence. "Listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once..."


Sunday, July 19, 2009

Elephant in the Classroom

A class of five-year old students is learning to read.

One of them pointed to a picture in a book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"

The teacher took a deep breath, then asked, "What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so next to the picture!"

And so it did: "A f r i c a n Elephant"

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Take Us to Your Leader

Two aliens landed in the desert near Meekatharra (Western Australia). They spotted the petrol station that was closed for the night.

They walked up to the old-fashioned petrol pump and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The petrol bowser, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade again saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."
"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien, then he aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire.

There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt crumpled mess about 200 metres away in a dry creek bed.

About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antennae and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien, who was standing over him shaking his big green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How in the name of hell did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's something I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a bloke who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear."

Exposed Divots

The Australian's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Crikey, woman! Why aren't you wearing any undies?", Aaron demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

Aaron immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no underwear.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You din na give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

Angus reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love o' decency, here's a comb... Tidy yerself up a bit."

And then the fight started

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flicking through television channels.
She asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...


My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" while we were in bed. I turned to her and asked, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she replied.
So, I said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started...


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the ute and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 80kmh, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my idiot husband is out fishing in it?"
And then the fight started...


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our approaching anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about three seconds." I bought her some bathroom scales.
And then the fight started...


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunk woman swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the porterhouse steak, medium rare, please."
He asked, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"No, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...


A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not to happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started...


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt".

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly grey chest hair. She said, "That
silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me." And she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too."

And then the fight started...