Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Drive Through ATM Instructions

A new sign in the bank lobby reads:

Please note that this Bank is installing new drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, male and female procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.

  1. Drive up to the cash machine.
  2. Lower your car window.
  3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
  4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
  5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
  6. Raise car window.
  7. Drive away.

  1. Drive up to cash machine.
  2. Reverse and back-up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
  3. Engage hand-brake, lower car window.
  4. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
  5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back, then hang up.
  6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
  7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
  8. Insert card.
  9. Re-insert card the right way.
  10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
  11. Enter PIN.
  12. Press "cancel" and re-enter correct PIN.
  13. Enter amount of cash required.
  14. Check make-up in rear view mirror.
  15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
  16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
  17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of cheque book.
  18. Re-check make-up.
  19. Drive forward two metres.
  20. Reverse back to cash machine.
  21. Retrieve card.
  22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the sleeve provided.
  23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
  24. Restart stalled engine and drive away.
  25. Redial person on mobile phone.
  26. Drive for two to three kilometres.
  27. Release hand-brake.

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