Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Parisienne Petrol Problem

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his vehicle ran out of petrol. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings."

"I had no Monet

to buy Degas

to make the Van Gogh."

See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else - you've nothing Toulouse.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Curmudgeonly Quotes

  1. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't.
  2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
  3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
  4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
  6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
  7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
  8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
  9. I'm not a complete idiot; Some parts are just missing.
  10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  11. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
  12. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  13. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
  14. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  15. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
  16. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
  17. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  18. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
  19. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
  20. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken .
  21. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
  22. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
  23. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Friday, May 16, 2008

German, French & Israeli Cuisine

A German, French, and Israeli were exploring a tropical island when they run into a tribe of cannibals. They're captured, and the Chief tells them, "I've been to a good Russian university, so I understand the concept of civilisation. I'm therefore going to give you all one wish before we cook you and eat you." He points at the French man and says, "You first!"

The French man thinks for a minute and asks for three beautiful tribes women who he has his way with. His libido satiated, he is killed, cooked and eaten. The German is next, and he asks for a large meal of delectable meats, vegetables, fruits, and an alcoholic beverage made from coconut, he's so drunk by the time they kill him and eat him, he doesn't even notice. The Chief then asks the Israeli what he would like as his last wish, and the Israeli says, "Just punch me in the face, right on the nose!"

The Chief is perplexed by this request but punches the Israeli right on the nose as hard as he can, at which point the Israeli pulls out a Galil assault rifle and shoots all the cannibals. As the Chief is lying there, mortally wounded, with his last breath, he asks the Isreali, "Why didn't you use the gun before we ate the French or German men?" The Israeli proudly replies, "Israelis are not aggressors."

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Political Correctness: Male

Politically correct terminology for men:
  1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a...
  2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is...
  3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He...
  4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in...
  5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers...
  6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes...
  7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of...
  8. He is not a 'MALE CHAUVINIST PIG' - He has...
  9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is...
  10. He is not "HORNY" - He is...
  11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's...
And politically correct terminology for females...

Political Correctness: Female

Politically correct terminology for women:
  1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a...
  2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is...
  3. She is not "EASY" - She is...
  4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a...
  5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a...
  6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is...
  7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets...
  8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is...
  9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes...
  10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is...
  11. She does not have "MAJOR-LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is...
  12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a...
And politically correct terminology for males...

Monday, May 12, 2008

Toilet Humour

Dr. Phil on Inner Peace

By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Pringles, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how good I feel right now.

Friday, May 09, 2008

Never too old

An elderly man enters a confessional and the following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody!"

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

God's Creatures

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya please be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "Oi'm afraid not; we can't be having services for an animal in the church. But there are some Pentecostals down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "Oi'll go right away Father. Do ya think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Drive Through ATM Instructions

A new sign in the bank lobby reads:

Please note that this Bank is installing new drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, male and female procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.

  1. Drive up to the cash machine.
  2. Lower your car window.
  3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
  4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
  5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
  6. Raise car window.
  7. Drive away.

  1. Drive up to cash machine.
  2. Reverse and back-up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
  3. Engage hand-brake, lower car window.
  4. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
  5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back, then hang up.
  6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
  7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
  8. Insert card.
  9. Re-insert card the right way.
  10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
  11. Enter PIN.
  12. Press "cancel" and re-enter correct PIN.
  13. Enter amount of cash required.
  14. Check make-up in rear view mirror.
  15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
  16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
  17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of cheque book.
  18. Re-check make-up.
  19. Drive forward two metres.
  20. Reverse back to cash machine.
  21. Retrieve card.
  22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the sleeve provided.
  23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
  24. Restart stalled engine and drive away.
  25. Redial person on mobile phone.
  26. Drive for two to three kilometres.
  27. Release hand-brake.

Sister Matic

Two nuns were out walking one evening. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It was getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM : Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Cheeses Lives

A very pretty French poodle was being chased by three dogs; a labrador, a golden retriever, and a chihuahua. She couldn't pick between them so she said, "I can't pick between you, but I like an intelligent dog, so if you can use my two favourite words, cheese and liver in a sentence you can have a date with me."

So the labrador thinks long and hard, and says, "I like liver, I like cheese." The poodle was not impressed.

The golden retriever runs around impulsively chasing his tail and says, "Yumm, cheesy liver." The poodle harrumphed and waited.

The chihuahua says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."

Friday, May 02, 2008

Fanfare of Strumpets

A group of academics is coming home late at night from dinner when they meet, coming in the other direction, four ladies of the night.

One of the academics says, "Ah, a bevy of beauties!"

Another from the English department says, "No, I'd say it was an anthology of prose!"

The third one, who's also from the English department, says, "No, an essay of trollops!"

A chap from the law faculty says, "No, I'd say it was a firm of solicitors!"

And finally the chap from the geology department says, "No, I'd say it was an outcrop of ores!"

Source: Prof. Neville Fletcher