Why Cards & Flowers are Important

Golf Thesaurus

A Dennis Wise - a nasty five footer.

A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read.

A Rock Hudson - looked straight but wasn't.

A Cuban - needed one more revolution.

A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole.

An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker.

A Saddam Hussein - from one bunker straight into another.

A Yasser Arafat - ugly, fat and in the sand.

A Kate Winslett - little bit fat but otherwise perfect.

A Gerry Adams - playing a provisional.

A Glen Miller - didn't make it over the water.

An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result.

A Rodney King - over-clubbed.

An O.J. Simpson - got away with it.

A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver.

A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver.

A Michael Jackson - gradually fading.

A Douglas Bader - looked good in the air but didn't have the legs.

A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems.

A condom - safe but didn't feel good.

An Anna Kournikova - looks great but unlikely to get a result.

A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it.

A Brazilian - shaved both sides of the hole.

A Ron Jeremy – fat and ugly but went a long way.

Wine Glass

Port-a-Loonacy

Cruising

DEAR DIARY: DAY ONE

I am all packed and ready to board the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.


DEAR DIARY: DAY TWO

We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.


DEAR DIARY: DAY THREE

I spent some time in the pool today. I also played shuffle board and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honoured and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.


DEAR DIARY: DAY FOUR

Went to the ship's casino. Did okay - won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.


DEAR DIARY: DAY FIVE

Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled.


DEAR DIARY: DAY SIX
I saved 1600 lives today... Twice.

Breast Implants: the Long-Term Risks

Bill Bailey: Kraftwerk Tribute

A Dingo Stole My Baby

Click to enlarge...

The Departed (swearing removed)

and condensed into the following clip, i.e. extreme language warning...

Golfing Leprechaun

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a Leprechaun lying flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from his golf cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer said.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're okay and I apologize." And with that the golfer walked off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want -- a great golf game, all the money he ever needs and a fantastic sex life.

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. "Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says.

"I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment and says shyly, "It's okay."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."

"What?!" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

Leapin' Lizards

Monkey in a Minefield

Q: What do you call a monkey in a minefield?

A: Baboom!

Monkey Business

A cop drives around a bend in the road and comes across a bad accident.

A man and woman both lie dead in the wreckage. The accident appears to have no obvious explanation. The cop looks around and sees a monkey waving its arms at him.

The cop says, "Hey monkey, what happened?"

Monkey: motions with his arms and mimes drinking from a bottle.

Cop: "They were drinking?"

Monkey: nods head vigorously.

Cop: "What else?"

Monkey: mimes smoking a joint.

Cop: "They were smoking dope?"

Monkey: nods head vigorously.

Cop: "There must have been more. This is a very strange accident. Monkey! What else?"

Monkey: nimics sexual relations.

Cop: "They were screwing?"

Monkey: nods very vigorously.

Cop: "This still doesn't make any sense. Hey monkey! How do you know all this?"

Monkey: mimes driving while looking over his shoulder.

Spiderman

We call our grandad "Spiderman".

He hasn't got any super powers - he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath.

Stop and Go

Nonagenerian Viagra

A 90 year old man marries a 20 year old woman, and so goes to his doctor for Viagra. The doctor says, "Sorry but giving Viagra to a 90 year old can be dangerous."

The old man begs and pleads for Viagra, and eventually the doctor gives in. He stresses though that it can only be taken under strict guidelines and only for seven days. The doctor says, "Take half a dose one day then skip the next day, then take another half-dose then skip the next day, and so on until the seventh day".

The old man does as he's instructed the following week after which his wife phones the doctor and says "He's dead!"

The doctor said, "I knew if I gave him Viagra it would kill him." The young widow said, "No, it wasn't the Viagra that killed him, it was all that damned skipping".

Up, up and away...

Manlaws

The International Council of Manlaws

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2. It is OK for a man to cry only under the following circumstances:
   (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
   (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
   (c) After crashing your boss's car.
   (d) When she is using her teeth.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip club of the birthday boy's choice.
8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress but you may never ask who's playing.
10. You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach...and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick or punch another guy in the balls.
13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza but not both, that's just greedy.
19. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
    a) Yeah, baby. Push it!
    b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
    c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing, i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation - end of story.
28. There is no reason for guys to watch ice skating or men's gymnastics. Ever.
29. We've all heard about people having guts or balls but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
    "GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
    "BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the backside and having the balls to say, "You're next!"
    

I hope this clears up any confusion, The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.

Well Equipped

Below is a portion of an interview between a female broadcaster and a General, who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: What will you teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

Consenting Adults

Noah in 2007

In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Australia and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed building regulations approval. I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to appeal to the Planning Minister for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us but they would have none of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have preservation orders on them and we live in a site of environmental significance set up in order to protect the orange bellied parrot. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the parrots but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the local Council, the Department of the Environment and the Rivers & Waterways Trust ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities
Commission on how many persons with special needs I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire union members with an Ark-building ticket.

To make matters worse, Customs seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

Too Young to Die

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin argument on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the gates of Heaven.

St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!"

St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case.

After investigating, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that there is no mistake my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and according to that, you're at least 108 years old!"

Medieval Tech Support

Danny Bhoy

How to Argue with Women

1. Fine
   
   This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can’t stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (Never use “Fine” to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)
2. Five minutes
   This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it’s an even trade.
3. Nothing
   “Nothing” means something and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five minutes” and end with the word “Fine.”
4. Go ahead (with raised eyebrows)
   This is not permission; it’s a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over “Nothing” and you’ll have a “Five minute” discussion that will end with the word “Fine.”
5. Go ahead (normal eyebrows)
   This is not permission, either. It means, “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care.” You will get a raised eyebrow “Go ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five minutes” when she cools off.
6. Loud sigh
   This is not actually a word but is still often a verbal statement. Very frequently misunderstood by men. A load sigh means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing.”
7. Soft sigh
   Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. Soft sighs are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.
8. Oh
   This word followed by any statement is trouble. For example, “Oh, let me get that”. Or, “Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night.” If she says “Oh” before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is “Fine” when she is done tossing your clothes out the window but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.
9. That’s okay
   This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. “That’s okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow “Go ahead.” Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.
10. Please do
    This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay.”
11. Thanks
    The woman is thanking you. Don’t faint and don’t look for hidden meaning. Just say, “you’re welcome.”
12. Thanks a lot
    Dramatically different from “Thanks.” A woman will say “Thanks a lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the loud sigh. This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the loud sigh, as she will only tell you “Nothing.”