Politically Correct Seasons Greetings

Please accept with no obligation implied or implicit, my best wishes
for an environmentally-conscious, socially-responsible, low-stress,
non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the summer solstice
holiday, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the
religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice, with
respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of
others, or their choice not to practise religious or secular
traditions at all.
I also wish you a fiscally-successful, personally-fulfilling and medically-uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2010, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make this country great. Not to imply that Australia is necessarily greater than any other country or culture, and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wisher.

By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms.

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself, himself or others, and it is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Begging for Tiger

Globalization Defined

Question:
Define Globalization?

Answer:
Princess Diana's death.

Why?
An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, riding in a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

Furthermore, this is sent to you by an Australia, using an American PC, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singaporean factory.

Speeding Heisenberg

Heisenberg gets stopped on the freeway by the police.

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going sir?

Heisenberg: No, but I know exactly where I am.

Mental Hospital Phone Menu

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, hang up. It doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. But Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up.

Blonde Password

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy"

When asked why she'd chosen such a long password, she said she understood that it had to contain at least eight characters.

Idiotproof Ladder

From Hamster to Heaven

Why Women are Happier than Men

1. the kitchen's all ours
2. we get control of the wedding plans and we get to look the best at our wedding
3. chocolate makes up for the orgasms that men rarely give us
4. reading men is like reading an open book, whereas men can never understand women
5. we can get into a popular bar much easier than men; we just show some cleavage
6. we don't fart, we fluff
7. we know how to colour coordinate
8. we can build a man's ego just by asking him to open a jar
9. we get doors opened for us
10. we're not as hairy and we don't have to shave our faces
11. we aren't too proud to ask for directions
12. scratching our groins is not an hourly event in our lives
13. we can do two things at once
14. we aren't forced to compensate for our fathers' lack of childhood sports skills every Saturday morning throughout our formative years
15. we can sit and read every time we go to the bathroom
16. we can spend time alone with Catholic priests, Boy Scout leaders, and Baptist Youth ministers without feeling sexually threatened
17. we don't worry about going bald
18. we never have to rearrange our testicles while wearing tight pants
19. we never get our genitals caught in our zippers when drunk
20. we don't have to constantly answer "What are you going to be when you grow up?" shortly after our third birthdays
21. we can bludgeon someone to death and then get off scot-free by claiming a "hormonal imbalance"
22. we can commit cold-blooded murder and not only get off scot-free, but end up with a book deal and an appearance on Oprah merely by mentioning "years of violent spousal abuse"
23. we don't have to go in a pubic women's toilet and worry about some previous occupant having pissed and shat on the seat, the floor, and the surrounding walls.
24. we ALWAYS outlive our husbands.
    
25. we have a wide variety of commercial, sweet smelling deodorants for our sex organs.
26. we know exactly what to do when a child is sick.
27. we don't have a freaky, semi-Oedipal relationship with our overbearing mothers
28. we don't ever have to spit
29. we don't ever have to hold one nostril shut while blasting snot out of the other
30. we have an astute, innate sense of when to change underwear before it becomes a petri dish for bacteria development
31. we never pull a back muscle screaming at the television during a sports event
32. we don't have to worry about which family member will inherit and care for our collections of sports fan apparel
33. we never lose six hours on a Saturday morning watching fishing shows on TV
    
34. we can terminate a bladder emptying event without waiting for "the shake"
35. we can tell our doctors anything
36. we can simulate a perfect, entire sex act with nothing more than ten idle minutes and a cucumber.
37. best one of all: MULTIPLE ORGASMS

See also Why Men are Happier than Women.

Why Men are Happier than Women

1. Your surname doesn't change.
2. The garage is all yours.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. Chocolate is just another snack.
5. You can never be pregnant.
6. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
7. The world is your urinal.
8. You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too "yucky".
9. You don't have to stop and think about which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
10. Same work, more pay.
11. Wrinkles add character.
12. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
13. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
14. One mood all the time.
15. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
16. You know stuff about tanks and engines.
17. A ten-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
18. You can open all your own jars.
19. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
20. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
21. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
22. You never have strap problems in public.
23. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
24. Everything on your face stays its original colour.
25. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
26. You only have to shave your face and neck.
27. You can play with toys all your life.
28. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one colour for all seasons.
29. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
30. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
31. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
32. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

See also Why Women are Happier than Men.

James Galea: A Real Card

Bruno: Parent Auditions

Shii - The Wii for Women

Shake Weight Spoof Advertisement

Old Man on Sexy Women

Courtship advice from a senior citizen:

When you see a woman, and want her badly, please consider the following:

No matter how beautiful her face is...

No matter how curvaceous her body is...

No matter how cute and sweet her smile is...

No matter how round and tight her posterior is...

No matter how seductive her eyes are...

No matter how fragrant her hair is...

No matter how ample her breasts are...

I forgot what I was going to say.

Picture Paints a 1000 Words

Tommy Cooper One-Liners

One-liners attributed to Tommy Cooper:

1. Two blondes walked into a building... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message "If you want marijuana, press the hash key."
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Gladwrap for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off."
8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. A man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. Man: "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
    Doctor: "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
    Man: "Is it common?"
    Doctor: "'It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" asks the dog's owner. "No," replies the vet, "because he's really heavy."
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" the doctor asks. "Don't you start," says the guy.
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says, "So are you, you fat bastard!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, "Parking Fine. So that was nice."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore."

Bridge Over Troubled Waters

A man riding his Harley Davidson was riding along the Victorian coast road when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The bikie pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Tasmania so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic - think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of Bass Strait and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The bikie thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "So, do you want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Do Unto Others

Unappetizing Restaurants

Personal Financial Advice

What the Bloody Hell are You Thinking?

Purported questions to Tourism Australia, and possible responses:

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Incredible Story

Sex Education

Transylvanian Transfusion

Bruce Hill and his new wife Sheila were holidaying in Europe, near Transylvania. They were driving a rental car along a deserted road. It was late and raining heavily. Bruce could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control. Bruce attempts to regain control if the car but to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bruce shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bruce knows he has to get her medical assistance.

Bruce carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bruce immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bruce Hill, and this is my wife Sheila. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him."

Bruce brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Sheila and carries her downstairs, with Bruce following closely. Igor places Sheila on a table in the lab. Bruce collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bruce on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bruce and Sheila Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Sheila's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bruce's arm begins to rise, marking the beat. He is further amazed as Sheila and Bruce both sit up straight.

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

The Shredder

A young engineer was leaving the office at 5.45pm when she found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. She turned the machine on, inserted the document, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

I Love Country Music

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Funky Jewelry

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King for a Day

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Brown and Sticky

The Horse's Moth

Yogaholics

Human Giant - Montana Meth

Bravery's Reward

An Aussie appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "On a trip to Kalgoorlie in Western Australia, I came upon a gang of bikies threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed gang member and punched him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off! Or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago."

Americans Protesteth To Much

Blonde Girlfriend

Tour de Farce

Cricket Balls

The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

Lost in Translation

Bacon is Good for Me

Pun-o-rama

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whiskey maker,
but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class
because it was a weapon of math disruption.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder
and got a little behind in his work.

No matter how much you push the envelope,
it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
and was cited for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France
would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race.
They ended up in a tie.

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on a head."

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said:
"Keep off the Grass."

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said,
"No change yet."

A chicken crossing the road
is poultry in motion.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison
was a small medium at large.

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray
is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.

When cannibals ate a missionary,
they got a taste of religion.

Don't join dangerous cults:
Practice safe sects!

Two flies were arguing on a toilet seat.
One got pissed off.

Skithouse: Blind Cricket

Of Dogs, Monkeys, Cows and Men

The first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at passers by.

Mongolian Herpes

While visiting China, a businessman is sexually promiscuous and doesn't use a condom during his escapades.

A week after arriving back home in Sydney, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian Herpes. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."

The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."

The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a traditional Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease."

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My GP wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid western physicians, always want to operate - make more money that way. There's no need to amputate."

"Oh, thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "wait two weeks. It'll fall off by itself."

Rugby Balls

Wiremu, a New Zealander, landed at Heathrow to watch the All Blacks and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I don't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had prostate problems, and that the only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Pommy doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.

Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated but, with only hours to go before the All Blacks opening game he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said "Wiremu, you have prostate sukness ey".

"What's the cure thin doc ey?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "We're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "Those Pommy bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

Hermaphrodites Prohibited

Todd Barry: Australia, Prostitutes and Food

Suicide Call Centre

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got transferred to a call centre that turned out to be in Islamabad. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Love Your Work

By Skyflash

Awkward Family Photos

Political Tragedy

Kevin Rudd was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Rudd if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

A little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy".

"No", said Kevin, "That would be an accident".

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy".

"I'm afraid not", explained Kevin, "That's what we would call great loss".

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Kevin searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said, "If a plane carrying you, Julia Gillard and Wayne Swan was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Kevin. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says little Johnny "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a fucking accident either!"

Blonde Tattoo

A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh. Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location.

She responds "It's really cool. If you put your left ear up against it, you can smell the ocean."

Miracle Water

Three disabled men, a blind man, an amputee, and a man in a wheelchair, are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic Games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled men, the only survivors, are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them but no one shows.

They start to get really thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the man in the wheelchair. Eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same.

The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he is refused. The man in the chair is sceptical and insists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE!

Now the man in the wheelchair is getting really excited and starts pushing with all his might. He goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold... NEW TIRES!

Garfunkel and Oates: Pregnant Women are Smug

Why I Fired My PA

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone wish me a happy birthday.

I thought, "That's marriage for you but the kids, they'll remember". My kids came bounding downstairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for work, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my personal assistant Jenny smiled at me and said, "Good morning boss, and happy birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , when Jenny knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me?"

I said, "Thanks, Jenny, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch but not where we normally go. Instead, Jenny chose a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jenny said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"

She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jenny turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."

"Ok," I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

Drunken Insight

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected

• A litre of full-cream milk.
• A carton of free-range eggs.
• A litre of 100% orange juice.
• A head of iceberg lettuce.
• A packet of ground fair-trade coffee.
• A packet of smoked bacon.

I was unloading my items onto the checkout conveyor belt whilst a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier rang up my purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

I was a little startled by this proclamation but I was intrigued by the inebriated gentleman's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk as to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly!"

Holden Racing Team Fires Pit-Crew

This announcement followed Holden Racing Team's decision to take advantage of the Australian government's "Work for the Dole" scheme and employ some out-of-work teenagers.

The decision was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Thornlie were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas HRT's professional crew could only do it in 12 seconds with thousands of dollars worth of high-tech gear.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the HRT management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Holden an advantage over every other team.

However, HRT got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the young pit-crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the SuperCheap Auto Racing team for eight slabs of Emu Bitter, a bag of weed and some photos of Russell Ingall's girlfriend in the shower.

Betting on Blonde

Bob walked into a bar, sat down next to an attractive blonde and stared up at the TV. The 10pm news was airing the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and asked "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 6pm bulletin, so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...

Female Conundrums

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A None. It should be opened when she brings it.

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Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

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Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

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Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

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Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

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Q: Why do men "pass wind" more than women?
A: Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

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Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

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Q: What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A: A woman who won't do what she's told.

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Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.

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I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Garden of Eden

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion - a woman.

He said, "This beautiful lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you."

"She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement."

"She will praise you."

"She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them."

"She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Male Bashing

One day housework-challenged husband, Jim, decided to wash his pull-over. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry, he shouts to his wife, Jane, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," Jane replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
Jim yelled back, "University of Queensland".

-----------------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

-----------------------------------------------

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he steps out of the shower.

"Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

-----------------------------------------------

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man
Love to forgive him
And Patience for his moods
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour.

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Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practising to be men.

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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manual".

Google Opt-Out

Google Opt Out Feature Lets Users Protect Privacy By Moving To Remote Village

Kiwi Condoms

Kevin Rudd, Prime Minister of Australia, is awoken at 4am by the telephone.

"Kevin, it's Nicola Roxon, Health Minister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency. I've just received word that the Ansell factory in Sydney has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire Australian supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week!"

Rudd: Shit! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - we'll be ruined!

Roxon: We're going to have to ship some in from Britain.

Rudd: No chance! The Poms will have a field day on this one!

Roxon: What about New Zealand?

PM: Ok, call John Key and tell him we need ten million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick! That way they'll continue to respect the Wallabies!

Three days later a delighted Kevin rushes out to open the boxes. He finds ten million condoms; 10 inches long, 3 inches thick, all coloured black and white, with a silver fern printed on each one and embossed with:

MADE IN NEW ZEALAND
SIZE: Small

Outfoxed

One day an old fox starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old fox thinks, "Oh, no! I'm done for."

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching feline. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old fox exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts her attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over her and she slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard, "That was close! That old fox nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old fox sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old fox sees the leopard coming with the monkey on her back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the fox sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old fox says, "Where's that monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Bear Essentials

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, which is also empty. "What SOB has been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?"

"It was Mummy Bear who got up first."

"It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house."

"It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee."

"It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher."

"It was Mummy Bear who swept the kitchen floor."

"It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants."

"It was Mummy Bear who set the damned table."

"It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the out of the cat's litter tray, fed them, and refilled their water bowls."

"And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence. "Listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once..."

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET!"

Elephant in the Classroom

A class of five-year old students is learning to read.

One of them pointed to a picture in a book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"

The teacher took a deep breath, then asked, "What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so next to the picture!"

And so it did: "A f r i c a n Elephant"

In Sickness and in Health

Take Us to Your Leader

Two aliens landed in the desert near Meekatharra (Western Australia). They spotted the petrol station that was closed for the night.

They walked up to the old-fashioned petrol pump and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The petrol bowser, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade again saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."
"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien, then he aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire.

There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt crumpled mess about 200 metres away in a dry creek bed.

About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antennae and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien, who was standing over him shaking his big green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How in the name of hell did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's something I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a bloke who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear."

Exposed Divots

The Australian's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Crikey, woman! Why aren't you wearing any undies?", Aaron demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

Aaron immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no underwear.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You din na give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

Angus reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love o' decency, here's a comb... Tidy yerself up a bit."

And then the fight started

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flicking through television channels.
She asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

________________________________________


My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" while we were in bed. I turned to her and asked, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she replied.
So, I said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started...

________________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the ute and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 80kmh, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my idiot husband is out fishing in it?"
And then the fight started...

________________________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our approaching anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about three seconds." I bought her some bathroom scales.
And then the fight started...

________________________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunk woman swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...

________________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the porterhouse steak, medium rare, please."
He asked, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"No, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...

________________________________________


A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not to happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started...

________________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt".

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly grey chest hair. She said, "That
silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me." And she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too."

And then the fight started...

Irish Orgasm

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community. After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the local veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The vet didn't have a clue but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan with a big towel a cow that was having difficulty breeding. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the vet suggested. After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the vet. The vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours. When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: "And that, me son, is how ya waves a fookin' towel!"

My Last Day Working at Bunnings

Sharing, Caring Marriage

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered: "The teeth."

Mere Males

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?

(because they are plugged into a genius)


2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

(they don't have enough time)


3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(they don't stop to ask directions)


4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)


5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)


6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)


7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(don't know... it never happened)


8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Doctor Death

A man walks into a doctor's office.

"I have the results of your tests and I'm afraid you're going to die", says the doctor.

The man asks, "How long do I have to live?"

"Ten", replies the doctor.

"What the hell does that mean!", the man yells. "Ten years, ten months, ten weeks, what?"

The doctor replies, "Nine."

Kiwi Hindu

One Kiwi asked another: What's a Hindu?
The other Kiwi replied: It lays iggs.

Devalued Definitions

CEO
Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO
Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET
A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET
A 6 to 18 month period when children receive no pocket money, wives get no jewellery, and husbands get no sex.

VALUE INVESTING
The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO
The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER
What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR
Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST
The idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT
When your ex and his/her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER
A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION
The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW
The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO
What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS
What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR
Past year investor who's now locked up in an insane asylum.

PROFIT
An archaic word no longer in use.

Debt Recovery

In a small farming hamlet, it's raining and the little town looks totally deserted. These are tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a $100 note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to choose one.

The hotel proprietor takes the $100 note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.

The supplier of feed and fuel takes the $100 note and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.

The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the $100 note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the $100 note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his $100 note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.

And that is how Prime Minister Kevin Rudd and Treasurer Wayne Swan are stimulating the Australian economy.

Iranians are Revolting

Irish Poltergiest

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of a country road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a heavy storm.

The night was rolling on but no cars came by. The storm was so strong John could barely see more than a few feet ahead of him. Then he saw a car slowly come towards him and stop. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door, only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the open window and turned the steering wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering his strength, he leapt from the car and ran to the pub. Soaking and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence descended on the patrons as they realized John was crying and not drunk.

Suddenly, the pub door opened, and two men walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John sobbing at the bar, one said to the other:

"Look Paddy... there's that idiot that got into the car while we were pushing it!"

Tools for Tools

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh shit".

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your workshop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wooden projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the bin after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TONNE ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund cheques, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMN-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMN-IT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Life's Little Lessons

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just arseholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge breasts.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

Dumbing Down Maths

Teaching Maths in 1964
A logger sells a truck load of timber for $1000.
His cost of production is 80% of the selling price.
What is his profit?

Teaching Maths in 1972
A logger sells a truck load of timber for $1000.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price.
What is his profit?

Teaching Maths in 1980
A logger sells a truck load of timber for $1000.
His cost of production is $800.
What is his profit?

Teaching Maths in 1988
A logger sells a truck load of timber for $1000.
His cost of production is $800.
Did he make a profit?

Teaching Maths in 1996
A logger sells a truck load of timber for $1000.
His cost of production is $800 and his profit is $200.
Your assignment: Underline the number 200.

Teaching Maths in 2009
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is totally selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $200. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers)
If you are upset about the plight of the animals in question counselling will be available.

Job Dissatisfaction

Wukka Wukka Wow

Important Pharmacological Health Advice

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.

Margaritas is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living.

Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

WARNINGS

• Consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
• Consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
• Consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
• Consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
• Consumption of Margaritas may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important information with as many people as you feel may benefit.

Dateless Wonder

Party Flames Out

Not All Aussies Are Racist

Nude Bootscooter

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he buys them and wears them home.

Walking proudly into the kitchen and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looks him over, "Nope".

Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now?"

Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yells, "And do you know why it's hanging down Margaret?"

"Nope", she replies.

"It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!"

Margaret replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Ya shoulda bought a hat."

Are All Females Born With This Ability?

Totally Literal Eclipse

Ruddy Good Fortune

Rudd, Gillard and Swan are flying on the PM's RAAF VIP Aircraft to a soiree in Canberra when Rudd turns to Gillard and says, chuckling, "You know, I could throw a $100 note out of the window right now and make someone very happy."

Gillard shrugs and replies, "Well, I could throw five $20 notes out of the window and make five people happy."

Not to be outdone, Swan says, "Well I could throw twenty $5 notes out of the window and make twenty people happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant pricks back there. Hell, I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 21 million people happy."

Bedtime Stories

What differentiates females aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78?

At 8 -- You put her to bed and read her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story? What bed? Who the hell are you?

Spidey Nonsense

Facts All Parents Should Know

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 200m2 house 10cm deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A three-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 18kg child wearing Batman undies and a Superman cape. However, it is strong enough, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 6m x 6m room.
5. You should not throw cricket balls up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a cricket ball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a cricket ball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Domestos makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old adult says they can only do it in the films.
10. Certain Lego blocks will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much jelly you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like jelly.
15. VCRs do not eject Vegemite sandwiches.
16. Rubbish bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably don't want to know what that odour is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Perth has a five-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. However, it will make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. 80% of women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25. 80% of men who read this will try mixing Domestos and brake fluid.

Coital Calorie Counter

REMOVING HER CLOTHES
With her consent.......................12 Calories
Without her consent.................187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA
With both hands.........................8 Calories
With one hand............................12 Calories
With your teeth..........................85 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM
With an erection..........................6 Calories
Without an erection....................315 Calories

PRELIMINARIES
Trying to find the Clitoris..........8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot..........92 Calories

POSITIONS
Missionary..................................12 Calories
69 Lying down............................78 Calories
69 Standing up...........................112 Calories
Wheelbarrow..............................216 Calories
Doggy Style................................326 Calories
Italian Chandelier......................912 Calories

ORGASMS
Real.............................................112 Calories
Fake............................................315 Calories

POST ORGASM
Lying in bed cuddling...............18 Calories
Getting up immediately...........36 Calories
Explaining why you got up immediately....816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION
If you are:
20-29 Years old........................36 Calories
30-39 Years old........................80 Calories
40-49 Years old........................124 Calories
50-59 Years old........................972 Calories
60-69 Years old........................2916 Calories
70 and over...............................Results still pending

DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS
Calmly.......................................32 Calories
In a hurry.................................98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door......1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door........3521 Calories

Make Deadshits History

Human Body Stats

• It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
• One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).
• The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
• Human thigh-bones are stronger than concrete.
• A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
• There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
• Women blink twice as often as men.
• The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
• Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
• If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
• Women reading this will be finished now.
• Men are still busy checking their thumbs!

Chinese Calendar Coincidences

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken
Bird Flu pandemic devastates parts of Asia.

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse
Equine Influenza decimates Australian horse racing.

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig
Swine Flu pandemic kills sweeps across the globe.

Has any one else noticed this? It gets worse - next year...

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - What could possibly go wrong?


[ ok, some comedic license needs to be granted for this to work... ]

Knickers Not in a Knot

Little Susie comes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep insisting she do cartwheels because she's very good at them.

Mum said, "You should say NO - they only want to look at your knickers".
Susie said, "I know they do, that's why I hide them in my bag!"

Turn Off Your Screensaver Before Your Presentation