Stunning Gift for Spouse

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th wedding anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short-lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her an adequate time to retreat to safety.

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries into the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat, but if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and theTtaser in the another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant, a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control, a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 13cm long, less than 2cm in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it dummy," reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and

I SAW THE LIGHT!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

IT HURT LIKE HELL!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

The recliner was upside down and about three metres or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 40 kilos. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shat myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.

I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my family jewels and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it.

Bangladesh Brickie

Divine Intervention

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he prays quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."

The sky darkens and a voice booms out, "No, you are NOT screwed! Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the Chief standing in front of you."

So with the stone he bashes the life out of the chief. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and looking at 100 angry natives...

The voice booms out again, "Okay....NOW you're screwed."

Age and Womanhood

1. Between the ages of 13 and 18...
She is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.

2. Between the ages of 19 and 35...
She is like Asia, hot and exotic.

3. Between the ages of 36 and 45...
She is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.

4. Between the ages of 46 and 56...
She is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.

5. After 56 she is like Australia...
Everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn?

Disneyland Divorce

Mickey Mouse is going through a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation.

"I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..."

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's fucking Goofy!"

Panty Remover

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to an extremely gorgeous woman. The first thing he notices about her though, are her pants. They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or velcro) for opening them.

After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her. "Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?"

"Well," she replied, "you can start by buying me a drink."

Involuntary Muscle Contraction

A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realising that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably fishing with his mates."

Life in the Australian Army

Letter home from a soldier from Eromanga (a small town west of Quilpie in the far south-west of Queensland).

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a "route march" - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the ute truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila.

Gloves of Love

A young man called Peter from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend Maggie. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland.

Peter consulted his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note - not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur-lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought herself a pair of sexy knickers at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Peter unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Pete sent these off in a parcel with the following letter.

Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she'd been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring, which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little because they will naturally be a little damp after wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,
Peter.

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

Lost in Translation

A brief report of the following incident has already appeared in this newspaper, but reader Mitchell Smyth passes along a useful elaboration from Britain's Sky News and The Daily Telegraph. It concerns a communications snafu in Swansea, the southwest Welsh birthplace of Dylan Thomas and Catherine Zeta-Jones. A large road sign was erected near a supermarket at the intersection of Clase Road and Pant-y-Blawd Road. It read:

"No entry for heavy goods vehicles. Residential site only."

Below was the official Welsh translation:

"Nid wyf yn y swyddfa ar hny o bryd. Anfonwch unrhyw waith i'w gyfieithu."

At least, the Swansea Council assumed that was the translation. What the Welsh part actually said was:

"I am out of the office at the moment. Please send any work to be translated."

The council had sent the English message to its in-house translation service, but the translator was away from the office. The computer sent back an automated e-mail response in Welsh, which the council wrongly took to be the translation it had requested. The sign was posted before a Welsh-speaker noticed the mistake and contacted the Welsh-language magazine Golwg, which quickly published a photograph of the sign as an example of good intentions gone bad. The council said sorry, which in Welsh must look something like sry.

Coitus Corruptus

Judge to prostitute : "So when did you realize you were raped?"

Prostitute, wiping away tears: "When the cheque bounced."

Irish Alzheimers

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fainted when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in Church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with ya Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn comes to Church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of Church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about "Thou Shalt Not Steal" ya decided you would rather do without the hat than burn in Hell, right?"

Murphy slowly shook his head and said, "No, Father, after ya talked about "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", I remembered where I left me hat."

Beggars Belief

Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars at several motorway services in England. Ahmed drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend. Hamid only brings in two or three pounds a day. Hamid asks Ahmed how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day.

Ahmed says, "Look at your sign. It says, 'I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.' Britons who read that do not feel as if they have accomplished anything by giving you money; you will still have no job and a large family. Now look at my sign."

So Hamid looks at Ahmed's sign which reads: "I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan."

Madge the British Madonna

When Madonna first moved to the UK after marrying Guy Ritchie, she said she wanted to feel more English.

Having divorced Guy, she is now an unmarried mum with three kids from two different fathers.

Mission accomplished.

The Sideshow: Kitty Flanagan

Scotsman's Stool

Pungent Puns

1. Two TV antennae met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
   The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar.
   The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown.
   One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. Patient: "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
   Doctor: "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
   Patient: "Is it common?"
   Doctor: "Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
   Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
   "I don't believe you," says Dolly.
   "It's true - no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
   The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: the feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
    He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
    The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood bar last week... and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
    One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in their craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
    After about an hour, the hotel manager came out of her office, and asked them to disperse.
    "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
    "Because," she said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman gives birth to identical twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
    Her husband responds, "They're identical twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive collection of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
    This made him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail.
    The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
    No pun in ten did.

Sean Morey: The Man Song

I don't take no crap from anybody!
...else but you.
I wear the pants around here!
...when I'm finished with your laundry.
Cause I'm a guy you don't want to fight!
When I say "jump"
...you say "yeah, right".
I'm the man of this house!
...until you get home.

What I say goes around here!
...right out the window.
And I don't want to hear a lot of whining!
...so I'll shut up.
The sooner you learn who's boss around here!
...the sooner you can give me my orders, dear.
Cause I am the head honcho!
...but it's all in my head.

And I can have sex anytime!
...that you want.
Cause I'm a man who has needs!
...but they're not that important.
And don't expect any flowers from me!
...because if I'm not mistaken you prefer jewellery.
I'm the king of my castle!
...when you're not around.

And I'll drink and watch sports whenever I want!
...to get into trouble.
And I'll come home when I'm good and ready!
...to sleep on the couch.
Because a man's got to do what a man's got to do!
...and I'm going to do what you tell me to.
Because I'm top dog around here!
...but I've been neutered!

By Sean Morey

Engineer vs Manager

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes that he is lost. He reduces altitude and spots a man on the ground below. He lowers his balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you help me please? I promised my friend I would meet her half an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The man below says, "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, floating approximately 15 metres above the ground. Your latitude is between 40 and 42 degrees north, and your longitude is between 58 and 60 degrees west."

"You must be an engineer," shouts the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says, "You must be a manager".

"I am," replies the balloonist, "But how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are nor where you are going. You have made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position as you were in before we met but now it is somehow my fault."

Divorced Barbie

On his way home from work one day, a father suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He hurries into a toy shop and asks a female sales assistant, "How much are those Barbie Dolls in the display window?"

"Which one do you mean, Sir?" asks the assistant. "We have: Work-Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95."

"How much?" asks the father. "Why is Divorced Barbie $265.95 while the others only $19.95?"

The sales assistant rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers, "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's Balls."

BBQ Etiquette

1. The woman buys the food.
2. The woman prepares the salad and vegetables, and makes dessert.
3. The woman readies the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
4. Here comes the important part: the man places the meat on the grill.
   
   More routine...
   
   
5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is ready for turning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he turns the meat.
7. Important again: the man takes the meat off the grill and passes it to the woman.
   
   More routine...
   
   
8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins and sauces, and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and washes the dishes.
10. Most important of all: everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off" and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Political Heaven and Hell

While crossing the street one day a politician is hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the polly.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you may choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the politician.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules.", says St. Pete.

And with that, St. Peter escorts the politician to an elevator in which he descends to hell. The elevator doors open and the politician finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse, and standing in front of it are all the man's friends and other politicians who have worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. His friends and colleagues run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the wonderful times they had while getting rich at the expense of others. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly and nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such fun that before the politician realizes it, it's time to leave. Everyone bids him a hearty farewell and waves as the elevator ascends. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time for you to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a nice time and, before he realizes it, another 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The polly reflects for a moment then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he descends back down to hell. When the elevator doors open the politician finds himself in the middle of a barren landscape strewn with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in black bags as more garbage rains down from above. The devil comes over to the politician and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the polly. "Yesterday when I was here, there was a golf course and clubhouse, we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...

Today you voted."

Footballer's Tackle

Monkey Business

If you have difficulty understanding the current world financial situation, the following should help.

Once upon a time in a village in India, a businessman announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for 10 rupees. The villagers seeing there were many monkeys around went out into the forest to catch them.

The businessman bought thousands of monkeys from the villagers at 10 rupees each but as supply began to diminish the villagers stopped their efforts. The businessman then announced that he would now pay 20 rupees per monkey. This encouraged the villagers to start catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply of monkeys diminished even further and the villagers returned to their farms. The rate offered per monkey was further increased to 25 rupees, and so the supply of monkeys became so low that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch one.

The businessman then announced that he would buy monkeys for 50 rupees each. However, since he had to visit the city, his assistant would act as his buyer. In the businessman's absence his assistant said to the villagers, "Look at all the monkeys my boss has collected in this huge cage. I'll sell them to you at 35 rupees each, and when my boss returns you can sell them back to him for 50 rupees."

The villagers scraped together their their savings and bought all the monkeys from the assistant, who then promptly disappeared with their money. They never saw him, his boss or their money ever again - just monkeys everywhere.

Welcome to Wall Street.

Glazed and Confused

Blonde Renovator: Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with the expensive double-glazed energy-efficient kind, and today, I had a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Well, just because I'm a woman doesn't mean that I'm automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking salesman had told me last year: that in one year these windows would pay for themselves! Hellooo?! "It's been a year!", I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung-up. He never called back. Guess I won that stupid argument. I bet he felt like an idiot.

Hell's Angel vs. Lion

A biker is riding past a zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion hooks the cuff of the girl's jacket and tries to pull the girl into his cage for the slaughter.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and punches the lion square on the nose.

Whimpering with pain the lion recoils letting go of the girl. The biker then brings the girl to her terrified parents.

A New York Times reporter, who has witnessed the whole event, says to the biker, "Sir, that was the bravest thing I've ever seen someone do in my entire life."

The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt I should."

The reporter says, "Well, I'll make sure this doesn't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist for the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have your story on the front page".

"So," asks the reporter, "please tell me a little about yourself."

The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican."

The journalist thanks the biker and leaves. The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it contains news of his actions, and reads, on front page the headline:

US. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

The Singhsons

Lean Mean Centenarian

The family wheeled Grandma, in her wheelchair, out onto the lawn where activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn't speak very well but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn Grandma started leaning over to her right. So some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

Shortly after that, Grandma started leaning over to her left. So again the family straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so her family grabbed her again, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking well. How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to her nephew...

"Bastards won't let me fart."

Stock Market Crash vs. Divorce

Comment on the stock market crash from a broker:

"This is way worse than a divorce... I've lost half my net worth and I still have my wife!"

Pun Intended

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practise safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give-away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

My Goodness, My Guiness

Senior Molestor

One evening a senior citizens group charters a bus from Bentley to Burswood.

Halfway through their journey an elderly woman approaches the bus driver and says, "I've just been molested!"

The driver thinks she must have fallen asleep and had a dream. So he asks her to return to her seat, and sit down.

A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she has just been molested. The driver thinks he must have a bus load of demented seniors - who would be molesting old ladies?

About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up to the driver and says that she too has been molested.

The driver decides he's had enough, and pulls over. When he turns on the lights and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling along the aisle and between the seats.

"Hey grandad, what are you doing down there?" asks the bus driver.

The old man replies, "I lost my toupée. Three times, I thought I'd found it but each time I tried to grab it, it ran away!"

Chick with Chips

Holy Hotel

A priest checks into a hotel and asks the desk clerk, "Can the porn channel in my room be disabled."

"Sorry father," replies the clerk, "we only have ordinary porn - you sick bastard."

Upon Reflection

A woman is standing naked, before her reflection in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

Prostrate Prostate

By way of Newstopia.

Say it with flowers

Two women are chatting over coffee one afternoon.

The first woman says, "I'm tired of my husband buying me flowers each Friday. It means he expects me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air."

"Really?" asks the other woman. "Don't you have a vase?"

Croak It

An 89 year old fisherman was sitting in his boat one day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the surface, was a frog. The old man asked, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog answered, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you've ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you'll have me as your bride."

The old fisherman looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, "What are you crazy? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I'll be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

Short back and sides

A guy stuck his head into a barber's shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around his shop and said, "About two hours."

The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About three hours."

The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "Only about an hour."

The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favour - follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut but then he doesn't ever come back".

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "To see your wife."

The Wrong Palin for President

Restorative Power of Beer

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the father that his son has been born without a torso, arms or legs - his son is just a head. Even so the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is old enough for his first alcoholic drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells his son that he is proud of him and orders him a pint of lager. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tips, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his glass and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right, out through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him killing him instantly. The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "He should've quit while he was a head!"

Shirtfaced

A guy was celebrating his birthday. He and his wife weren't well off so his wife dipped into the housekeeping money each week for about six months and presented him with a great new shirt for his birthday. He loved the shirt and put it on straight away. His wife was really pleased.

Later that day he decided to have a few beers with his mates at the local pub. As he left his wife suggested that he take off his new shirt in case he spilled something on it.

"No, no", he said, "I love this shirt and I want to show it off to the boys."

Anyway, the few beers turned into many and our birthday boy became falling-down drunk, so much so that he threw-up all over his new shirt. His mates cleaned him up as best they could, and when he sobered up a little he realised what his wife would say when he got home and she saw what he'd done to his new shirt.

"Oh no", he said, "my wife will kill me for spewing on my new shirt."

So his mates convinced him to go home with a $20 note in his hand and tell his wife that someone else had spewed on his new shirt, had apologised and given him the twenty to have it professionally cleaned.

So our hero arrives home and, as predicted, his wife hit the roof.

"Hold on", he says taking the money from his pocket, "I didn't spew on my new shirt. It was this other guy. He even gave me $20 to have it professionally cleaned."

His wife listens to his unlikely story and grabs the cash from him.

"There are two $20 notes here", she says. "What's the second one for?"

"Oh", he confidently replies, "that's from the guy who crapped in my underpants."

Drinking Dogs

Two women were out for a stroll with their dogs. One had a Doberman, the other had a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go into that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there; we have the dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

As they walked towards the bar, the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark sunglasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman is your seeing eye dog?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought convincing the bouncer that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog might be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the hell," so she put on her dark sunglasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a fucking Chihuahua?"

Lunch with Dad at the mall

I took my old man to the mall the other day to help him buy some new shoes. We decided to have lunch at the food court. I noticed dad was looking at a teenager seated next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in multiple colours: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would find dad staring at him each time he turned. When he'd had finally had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my dad would have a good response, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on hearing it. Without batting an eyelid he answered: "Got drunk once and fucked a peacock. I was just wondering whether you were my son."

Why Italian food is unpopular in the Middle East

Secret of Happy Marriage

On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage.

The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no "I" in the word 'marriage'."

The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."

Martial Artistic

The Woman That Best Represents Your AFL Team

ADELAIDE CROWS
JULIA ROBERTS: big in the 1990s but done nothing lately.

BRISBANE LIONS
PAMELA ANDERSON: best and only asset is up front.

CARLTON BLUES
NAOMI CAMPBELL: struts around like a winner but behaves like a loser.

COLLINGWOOD MAGPIES
BELINDA NEAL: arrogant bitch who thinks the world revolves around her.

ESSENDON BOMBERS
SHARON STONE: once the hottest name in the business, now just a fading force.

FREMANTLE DOCKERS
CASEY DONOVAN: seemed like a good idea at the time, now no one is buying her shit.

GEELONG CATS
NATALIE BASSINGTHWAITE: a star after years as a bit player.

HAWTHORN HAWKS
JESSICA ALBA: hot, hot, hot!

MELBOURNE DEMONS
LINDSAY LOHAN: a miracle she is still alive

NORTH MELBOURNE KANGAROOS
KIM (FROM KATH & KIM): deluded and incapable of living without the intensive support of others. Would fit right in on the Gold Coast.

PORT ADELAIDE POWER
BRITNEY SPEARS: once had the world at her fingertips. Now can't even remember to wear her underwear in public and is a failure on the home front.

RICHMOND TIGERS
JANE FONDA: a legend in the 60s and 70s but you wouldn't touch her in 2008.

ST. KILDA SAINTS
RICKI LEE COULTER: promises a lot but never delivers

SYDNEY SWANS
CATE BLANCHETT: used to be boring but has become interesting again.

WEST COAST EAGLES
AMY WINEHOUSE: enough said.

Pepsi Godfather

Where Would You Be?

Where would you be if:

• You had all the money your heart desires?
• You had no worries?
• You came home and the finest meal is awaiting you?
• Your bath water had been run?
• You had perfect kids or pets?
• Your partner was awaiting you, with open arms and kisses?
  

So, where would you be?

You'd be in the wrong fucking house!

Eddie Izzard: Death Star Canteen

Walk the Talk

The seminar room was full of pregnant women and their spouses - an antenatal class was in full swing. The female instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly during labor, and was advising the men of how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of childbirth.

She then said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens your pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier."

She then addressed the men in the room, "Gentlemen, remember - you're both in this together; it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner."

The room became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" asked the instructor.

"I was just wondering. Is it all right if my wife carries a golf bag while we walk together?"

Petting to Fucking

About 38 minutes:

<http://maps.google.com/maps?f=d&saddr=Petting,+Germany&daddr=Fucking+Tarsdorf,+Braunau+am+Inn,+Upper+Austria,+Austria&hl=en&geocode=&mra=pe&mrcr=0&sll=47.969182,12.817903&sspn=0.405482,0.490265&ie=UTF8&ll=48.024491,12.733927&spn=0.050631,0.061283&t=h&z=14>

Pewee

An elderly couple are in Church one Sunday.

The old lady turns to her husband and whispers, "George, I just let out a silent fart but I can feel have another one coming on. What shall I do?"

John whispers back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid"

Hairy Gorilla Sex

Melbourne Zoo acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem; the gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, the zoo had no male gorillas.

Reflecting on their problem, the zoo management noticed Graham, a big Kiwi lad, and former All Black, responsible for maintaining the zoo's machinery.

Graham, like most Kiwis, seemed endowed with ample ability to satisfy any female. So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Graham was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?

Graham showed some interest but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Graham announced that he would accept the offer but only under three conditions:

"Fust," he said, "I don't want to have to kuss 'er."

"Sicondly, you must niver, niver tull anyone about thus."

The zoo administrators quickly agreed to these conditions, and then asked Graham for his third condition.

"Wull," said Graham, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."

The Recycling Rabbi

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While the inspector was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi.

"What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

Climactic Parliamentary Speech - Jason Wood

Oil Change Instructions for Women and Men

Oil Change Instructions for Women

1. Pull up to Ultratune when the mileage reaches 10,000 Km since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. Five minutes later, write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
   

Money spent:

Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00


Oil Change Instructions for Men

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand-cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for $50.00.
2. Stop by bottle-shop and buy a carton of beer, write a cheque for $40, drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 socket.
9. Give up and use shifter.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Curse.
12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
    
13. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
14. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
15. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
16. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
17. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes.
18. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.
19. Drink a beer.
20. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to basket surface.
21. Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine.
22. Remember drain plug from step 11.
23. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
24. Drink beer.
25. Discover that first litre of fresh oil is now on the floor.
26. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
27. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill.
28. Drink beer.
29. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes.
30. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug.
31. Slip with stupid shifter to tighten drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
32. Begin cursing fit.
33. Throw stupid shifter.
34. Curse for additional five minutes because shifter hit golf trophy.
35. Beer.
36. Clean hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
37. Beer.
38. Pour in four fresh litres of oil.
39. Beer.
40. Lower car from jack stands.
41. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
42. Beer.
43. Test drive car.
44. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
45. Car gets impounded.
46. Call loving wife, make bail.
47. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $40.00
Total: $4165.00

But you know the job was done right!

Flip Flop Flap

Super-glue prank...

Italian Donkey Clock

Short Fairytale

One day, a long, long time ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch...

But it was a long time ago... and it was just one day.

The End

Leather Effect

Memo from Osama: Cave Etiquette

AL QAEDA

OFFICE OF OSAMA BIN LADEN
CAVE 7422, TORA BORA, AFGHANISTAN

INTERNAL MEMORANDUM

To all Jihadists,

Subject: The Cave (do not distribute outside the Organization)

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we continue to fight the infidels in this New Year, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns.

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation (a health and safety issue), so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning-rota... have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the shit out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the "wassup" thing. Thanks.

Third - food. I bought a box of Darrel Lea recently. I clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Darrel Lea slices were gone. Consideration - that's all I'm saying.

Fourth, I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the infidel's bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ozzy, ozzy, ozzy, oi, oi, oi" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

Fifth - graffiti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA FUCKS DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall - it's a lie. The donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Sixth, the use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam - the old excuse that the "chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain" will not be accepted in future (with donkeys, there is a grey area).

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.

Love you lots,
Group Hug.
Os.

P.S. - I'm sick of having "Osama Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut it out, it's not funny anymore.

Bible Bashing

Alleged to be answers provided by children at a Roman Catholic junior school, to a test containing questions about the Old and New Testaments of The Bible.

1. In the first book of The Bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let him self be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
7. Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. After wards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
9. The first Commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
12. The greatest miricle in The Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others be fore they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 Decibels.
22. The Epistels were the wives of the A Postles.
23. One of the Oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Japanese Research: Baby Fur Seal Caps

Adelaide Crows Downfall

Friends Like These

Friendship Among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship Among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

Foreplay for the Happily Married

After 30 years of marriage, a couple were lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the television.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "That was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

He said, "I found the remote".

Sup with the devil

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created dairy icecream and Magnums. And Satan ask, "Do you want hot fudge with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" And Woman said, "I'll have one too with chocolate chips". And so they gained five kilograms.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad". And Satan presented blue cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them".

And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken-fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more weight. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra kilos.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonalds and the 99 cent double cheeseburger. Then Satan asked "Would you like want fries with that?" and Man replied, "Yes, and super size 'em". And Satan said, "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then Satan chuckled and created Medicare.

Patient Enquiry

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Would it be possible to speak with someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse." After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news. Norma's nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! Bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me a damned thing."

Cyclone Shazza Hits Kwinana

Cyclone Shazza hit Kwinana in the early hours of Monday. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering 'Faaackinell'.

The cyclone devastated the area causing approximately $30 worth of damage. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Centrelink cheques arrived. The Kwinana Times reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Kwinana.

One resident - Tracy Maree Sharon Britney Madonna Smith, a 15-year-old mother of five said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two Joachim and River slept through it all."

Apparently, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The Australian Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Bacardi-Breezers to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including Health Care Cards, Jewellery from Kmart, and Bone China from Big W.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: flannelette shirts, tight blue jeans or spandex, singlets (blue and white only) white sport socks, Ugg boots and any other items usually sold in Priceline or The Reject Shop.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs urgently needed include: Microwave meals, Baked beans, Ice cream, Chips, Fizzy drinks.

Donations of $15.00 will be taken to buy a packet of Winny blue 25s and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**

Kwinana Uniting Church has cancelled their local "Nativity Display" due to their inability to find three wise men or a virgin. Please don't forward this to anyone living in Kwinana - oh, stuff it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.

Naked Irish Blonde Crap

A voluptuous blonde from Dublin enters a casino and proceeds to a craps table manned by a pair of male croupiers.

She bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.

She says to the croupiers , "I hope you don't mind but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked".

Without waiting for an answer she strips off her clothing, takes the dice, throws them down the table and yells, "Come on, baby, Mamma needs new clothes!"

As the dice roll to a stop, she leaps up and down, squealing "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugs each croupier, picks up her winnings and clothes, and quickly departs.

The croupiers stare at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll?"

The other answers, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

Oh Canada

On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats, eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."

God continued, "I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"

"Not really," replied God "just wait and see the winters I am going to give them."

Failures

Colbert Report: U.S. Airweighs

Maxed Metaphors

Allegedly from NSW year 12 English essays:

• Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.


• He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.


• She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
• The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
• McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a plastic bag filled with vegetable soup.
• Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
• Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre.
• Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
• He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
• The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot oil.
• John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
• The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
• Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
• Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
• The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
• The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
• He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
• She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
• It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
• The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
• The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
• The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
• He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
• She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
• She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature beef.
• She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
• It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

Husbands of the Year

Karate Kidding

Dropped Guts

A farmer and his wife are lying in bed together one morning, when the farmer rolls over and lets out an enormous fart.

"Oh you stinking brute!" exclaims his disgusted wife.

The next morning, the farmer repeats the exercise eliciting the same appalled response from his missus. This goes on for several days until one morning the wife shouts, "One day you're going to fart your insides out!"

"No chance," chuckles the farmer and lets rip again.

The next morning the farmer's wife rises extra early and takes a large bag of chicken giblets out of the freezer. She unwraps the giblets and slides them between the sheets next to her sleeping husband's backside then goes downstairs for breakfast.

Later the farmer comes downstairs panting, his face beet red.

"What's the matter dear?" enquires his wife.

"You know how you said I'd end up farting my guts out?", he pants.

"Yes?", responds his wife.

"Well it happened!" the farmer exclaims.

"Oh dear!" says his wife stifling a laugh. "Are you alright?"

"I am now," he responds. "I managed to shove 'em back in again!"

Frank Lingua

Frank Lingua, president of Dissembling Associates, is a leading purveyor of buzzwords, catchphrases and cliches for people too busy to speak in plain English. Business Finance Magazine contributing editor Dan Danbom interviewed Lingua in his New York office.

Danbom: Is being a cliche expert a full-time job?
Lingua: Bottom line is I have a full plate, 24/7.
D: Is it hard to keep up with the seemingly endless supply of cliches that spew from business?
L: Some days, I don't have the bandwidth. It's like drinking from a fire hydrant.
D: So it's difficult?
L: Harder than nailing Jell-O to the wall.
D: Where do most cliches come from?
L: Stakeholders push the envelope until it's outside the box.
D: How do you track them once they've been coined?
L: It's like herding cats.
D: Can you predict whether a phrase is going to become a cliche?
L: Yes. I skate to where the puck's going to be. Because if you aren't the lead dog, you're not providing a customer-centric proactive solution.
D: Give us a new buzzword that we'll be hearing ad nauseam.
L: "Enronitis" could be a next-generation player.
D: Do people understand your role as a cliche expert?
L: No, they can't get their arms around that. But they aren't incented to.
D: How do people know you're a cliche expert?
L: I walk the walk, and talk the talk.
D: Did incomprehensibility come naturally to you?
L: I wasn't wired that way, but it became mission-critical as I strategically focused on my go-forward plan.
D: What did you do to develop this talent?
L: It's not rocket science. It's not brain surgery. When you drill down to the granular level, it's just basic blocking and tackling.
D: How do you know if you're successful in your work?
L: At the end of the day, it's all about robust, world-class solutions.
D: How do you stay ahead of others in the buzzword industry?
L: Net-net, my value proposition is based on maximising synergies and being first to market with a leveraged, value-added deliverable. That's the opportunity space on a level playing field.
D: Does everyone in business eventually degenerate into speaking the sort of mindless drivel you spout?
L: If you walk like a duck and talk like a duck, you're a duck. They all drink the Kool-Aid.
D: Do you read Dilbert in the newspaper?
L: My knowledge base is deselective of fibre media.
D: Does that mean no?
L: Negative.
D: Does THAT mean no?
L: Let's take your issues offline.
D: No, we are not going to take them offline.
L: You have a result-driven mind-set that isn't a strategic fit with my game plan.
D: I want to push your face in.
L: Your call is very important to me.
D: How can you live with yourself?
L: I eat my own dog food. My vision is to monetise scalable value chains.
D: When are you going to quit this?
L: I may eventually exit the business to pursue other career opportunities.
D: I hate you.
L: Take it and run with it.

History Lesson

There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.

Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, March 10, 2008

Carmen

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I chose it myself. It reflects the things I love most - cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

He said, "BJ Titsengolf."

Parisienne Petrol Problem

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his vehicle ran out of petrol. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings."

"I had no Monet

to buy Degas

to make the Van Gogh."

See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else - you've nothing Toulouse.

Conceited Google

Curmudgeonly Quotes

1. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot; Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
12. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
13. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
14. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
15. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
16. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
17. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
18. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
19. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
20. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken .
21. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
22. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
23. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Ironic Chef

Source: Newstopia via YouTube

German, French & Israeli Cuisine

A German, French, and Israeli were exploring a tropical island when they run into a tribe of cannibals. They're captured, and the Chief tells them, "I've been to a good Russian university, so I understand the concept of civilisation. I'm therefore going to give you all one wish before we cook you and eat you." He points at the French man and says, "You first!"

The French man thinks for a minute and asks for three beautiful tribes women who he has his way with. His libido satiated, he is killed, cooked and eaten. The German is next, and he asks for a large meal of delectable meats, vegetables, fruits, and an alcoholic beverage made from coconut, he's so drunk by the time they kill him and eat him, he doesn't even notice. The Chief then asks the Israeli what he would like as his last wish, and the Israeli says, "Just punch me in the face, right on the nose!"

The Chief is perplexed by this request but punches the Israeli right on the nose as hard as he can, at which point the Israeli pulls out a Galil assault rifle and shoots all the cannibals. As the Chief is lying there, mortally wounded, with his last breath, he asks the Isreali, "Why didn't you use the gun before we ate the French or German men?" The Israeli proudly replies, "Israelis are not aggressors."

Political Correctness: Male

Politically correct terminology for men:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a...
   "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY"
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is...
   "OVERLY CAUCASIAN"
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He...
   "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS"
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in...
   "FOLLICLE REGRESSION"
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers...
   "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS"
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes...
   "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL"
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of...
   "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION"
8. He is not a 'MALE CHAUVINIST PIG' - He has...
   "SWINE EMPATHY"
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is...
   "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED"
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is...
    "SEXUALLY FOCUSED"
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's...
    "REAR CLEAVAGE"

And politically correct terminology for females...

Political Correctness: Female

Politically correct terminology for women:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a...
   "BREASTED AMERICAN"
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is...
   "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE"
3. She is not "EASY" - She is...
   "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE"
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a...
   "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY"
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a...
   "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION"
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is...
   "REALITY IMPAIRED"
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets...
   "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is...
   "MEDICALLY ENHANCED"
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes...
   "VERBALLY REPETITIVE"
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is...
    "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED"
11. She does not have "MAJOR-LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is...
    "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR"
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a...
    "LOW-COST PROVIDER"

And politically correct terminology for males...

Toilet Humour

Dr. Phil on Inner Peace

By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Pringles, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how good I feel right now.

Never too old

An elderly man enters a confessional and the following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody!"

God's Creatures

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya please be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "Oi'm afraid not; we can't be having services for an animal in the church. But there are some Pentecostals down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "Oi'll go right away Father. Do ya think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Drive Through ATM Instructions

A new sign in the bank lobby reads:

Please note that this Bank is installing new drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, male and female procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Lower your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Raise car window.
7. Drive away.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back-up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Engage hand-brake, lower car window.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back, then hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press "cancel" and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check make-up in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of cheque book.
18. Re-check make-up.
19. Drive forward two metres.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the sleeve provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and drive away.
25. Redial person on mobile phone.
26. Drive for two to three kilometres.
27. Release hand-brake.